Page 67 - The Midnight Library

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‘And have you never walked into a room and wondered what you came in

for? Have you never forgotten what you just did? Have you never blanked
out or misremembered what you were just doing?’
‘Yes, but I was there for half an hour in that life.’
‘And that other you won’t know that. She will remember what you just did

and said. But as if she did and said them.’
Nora let out a deep exhale. ‘Dan wasn’t like that.’
‘People change,’ said Mrs Elm, still looking at the chessboard. Her hand
lingered over a bishop.

Nora re-thought. ‘Or maybe he was like that and I just didn’t see it.’
‘So,’ wondered Mrs Elm, looking at Nora. ‘What are you feeling?’
‘Like I still want to die. I have wanted to die for quite a while. I have
carefully calculated that the pain of me living as the bloody disaster that is

myself is greater than the pain anyone else will feel if I were to die. In fact,
I’m sure it would be a relief. I’m not useful to anyone. I was bad at work. I
have disappointed ever yone. I am a waste of a carbon footprint, to be
honest. I hurt people. I have no one le. Not even poor old Volts, who died

because I couldn’t look aer a cat properly. I want to die. My life is a disaster.
And I want it to end. I am not cut out for living. And there is no point going
through all this. Because I am clearly destined to be unhappy in other lives
too. at is just me. I add nothing. I am wallowing in self-pity. I want to die.’

Mrs Elm studied Nora hard, as if reading a passage in a book she had read
before but had just found it contained a new meaning. ‘Want,’ she told her,
in a measured tone, ‘is an interesting word. It means lack. Somet imes if we
fill that lack with something else the original want disappears entirely.

Maybe you have a lack problem rather than a want problem. Maybe there is
a life that you really want to live.’
‘I thought that was it. e one with Dan. But it wasn’t.’
‘No, it wasn’t. But that is just one of your possible lives. And one into

infinity is a ver y small fraction indeed.’
‘Ever y possible life I could live has me in it. So, it’s not really ever y
possible life.’ Mrs Elm wasn’t listening. ‘Now, tell me, where do you want to
go now?’

‘Nowhere, please.’
‘Do you need another look at e Book of Regrets?’