Page 12 - How Children Learn to Hate Their Parents

What Kids Are Taught About Conflict Resolution By High Conflict Parents
Children might not be equally bonded to both parents. Even in intact families children can feel emotionally connected to one parent more than the other.
When separation and divorce enter the life of a child and there is a strong model for problem solving via rejection of the partner-partner relationship children often express loyalty to the parent they are closest to. Children who see two parents rejecting one another often do not realize that they do not have to choose one parent over the other.
Sometimes parents tell kids they do not have to choose, but the model for rejection is so strong that it is not persuasive -- it doesn't matter what parents tell their kids, it matters more what they say and do with one another in front of them.
Children see fighting, rejection and a demand to "get out of my life." So, if you are a parent in the midst of a divorce, understand that what you demonstrate in front of children is going to have an impact on a child's desire to have a relationship with both parents.
This dynamic occurs naturally when conflict is demonstrated in front of children. Kids do not need to be convinced to ally with one parent or another -- the model of conflict resolution by cutting off a relationship operates on their choice making based on what they see and hear, and what happens after it.
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