Page 118 - The Intentional Parent

inherently rewarding. What does that mean? It means that if your normal household routine is hostile and chaotic, if it is a place where people are always yelling, punching each other around, or criticizing, then there is no reason for a kid to want to go back into that environment. Time out might actually represent a welcome relief from that environment. The second most important thing is that the goal of time out is not to have your child come out with a new lease on life. Parents often interrogate kids coming out of time out as if they were their children's parole officers. "Do you know why what you did was wrong?" "Did you spend any of your time thinking about your behavior?" "Do you promise not to ever do that again?" "Would you like to come out and apologize to everyone whose feelings you hurt today?" Who would want to come out of time out and have to deal with all of that? Time out is effective because it interrupts a negative behavior (such as talking nasty to a brother or sister) before it has the opportunity to be rewarded by something negative (your child getting to see his or her brother or sister in a tortured state, and getting away with it).
Be mindful of the amount of time you "sentence" your child to. Time out doesn't have to be long to be effective. A good rule of thumb is a minute for every year of the child's age up until five, then no more than fifteen or twenty minutes. Also, time out doesn't have to be just for your child. Use the period to cool yourself off a bit and reflect on your own temper and behavior.
Parents often want to know what to do if they send their kids to time out and they won't go. The solution for this is not to argue with them about it—this will only take the focus away from the original negative behavior. If the child won't go into time out, simply say (in a very calm, measured tone), "You've got one more chance to go into time out. If you don't go to your room and cool off for a few
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 118