Page 120 - The Intentional Parent

create a method of communication that seems to work but that doesn't make you feel very good. By and large, I usually don't recommend taking things away or threatening kids to get them to do things, but I have to tell you that sometimes it is the only thing that seems to work. I can imagine how guilty you and your wife feel about using this technique, because I feel just as guilty recommending that parents do it!
I have resolved this issue by recommending that parents try to provide a choice between taking something away and giving something positive. Here is one example. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson tell me that the only way they can get their ten-year-old son, Brian, to clean his room is to perform "surprise inspections." If his room is messy, they go to a chart that has a drawing of sixteen quarters on it, one for every quarter of his four-dollar allowance, and they cross one quarter off. At the end of the week he finds out how much money he has lost for the next week. This technique worked very well, but I felt uncomfortable because Brian was always losing something, even if he kept his room mostly neat. I offered the following suggestion: Why not offer Brian an incentive for doing a good job? If a whole week went by and he only lost three quarters or less, he would receive a bonus of a dollar the next week. The bonus worked out just fine. Eventually his parents picked up on the idea and expanded it by telling Brian that if he had a good week he would receive a coupon for the next week. The coupon said "Stay Away From My Room," and it could be hung on his door any day to avoid surprise inspections. In essence, Brian got a day off when he could keep his door closed and live the way ten-year-old kids tend to live. It was a great compromise all around. After all, how bad could a kid's socks smell up the house, behind a closed door, for just one day? (All right, maybe that was a bad example, but I'm sure you get the point.)
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 120