Page 121 - The Intentional Parent

ARGUING, WHINING AND CRYING
My eleven-year-old daughter is a world-class nagger. Whenever she can't yet her way, she argues, begs, pleads, whimpers, cries, and actually has the nerve to let us know that if she doesn't yet what she wants she will continue. She can usually wear us down to the point where we will finally give in. Is there any way we can stop her?
One day, when you are very old and your nerves have been worn down to little, teensy nubs, you will see that your daughter's persistence actually will get her far in life. Your goal is to be sure that you do not encourage her to be a person who, while being persistent and goal-directed, is impossible to be around. You and your wife have unwittingly, to save your own sanity, gently encouraged your daughter's behavior by giving in to her. Your daughter has probably been a strong-minded kid from the very beginning. She probably gets some of her perseverance (which is the positive, flip side of stubbornness) from either you or her mom. What you haven't been able to do is withstand her behavior well enough to teach her that the world will not end if she doesn't get what she wants.
First, examine your feelings. Are you afraid that she will hate you if she doesn't get her way? That would not be an unreasonable fear, since she probably tells you that she will hate you if she doesn't get her way. Are you afraid that if you don't let her get her way she will be hurt? A lot of parents can't stand seeing their kids in discomfort. Finally, are you concerned that if you don't let her get her way, she'll continue nagging until you totally lose it and have to make a
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 121