Page 51 - The Intentional Parent

When praising children, for instance, instead of saying “Good job,” always say “Good job picking up your clothes.” Make your praise specific. Similarly, make your criticisms specific and if your child does not meet certain expectations it will be much easier for you to set effective limits by forging the link between behavior and the natural consequence of that behavior.
Here is a point of emphasis:
When it comes to permission and a child’s drive for autonomy, good leaders reward responsibility with privilege and set limits by giving the child opportunity to show that responsibility has been learned.
So, this is very much different that “rewarding” or “punishing” a child (even though your child might protest that your failure to let them do what they want is “a punishment). Instead the act of permission always begins with a review of something that has gone on already, followed by what you are comfortable providing permission for, or what you want to see in your child’s behavior that will permit them to gain the permission they are seeking.
Many parents do this quite naturally when their children are young and very dependent. For instance, when parents say, “You can have ice cream when you finish your vegetables.”
Notice how it is expressed in the positive, “you can have ice cream...,” as opposed to “You cannot have ice cream until you finish your vegetables.” I believe it is much more effective to tell children what they can have (based on contingencies you layout), as opposed to telling them what they can have. Even as an adult I find
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 51