Page 57 - The Intentional Parent

Parents need to find a balance that permits children to feel uncomfortable but at the same time showing a child love and support in their challenges. It will be very important for parents to understand that if all a child has to do to get you to back off an expectation for performance is to throw a tantrum, then you can easily but inadvertently teach a child to throw tantrums every time there is a demand for performance.
This can be a confusing set of instructions for parents because on the one hand I am suggesting that you teach your child to challenge their limits, and on the other hand I am suggesting that you don’t push your child to the point of rebellion. As we go through life, not everyone appreciates the effort we put forth. It is easy to be cut down by those who seek to dominate us, minimize us, criticize us and exert control over us. Parents provide the foundation for confidence and self reliance by standing along side their kids, supporting effort and perseverance. When expectations for competence are accompanied by praise for effort, love and support, kids become ready to face the tougher times a harsh world can dish out.
A combination of parenting intentions and actions addresses this very difficult but important issue. Here are some intentions:
I am going to make a strong effort to learn my child’s strengths and limitations.
I will find ways to insist my child produces effort to meet certain expectations without saying or doing anything that damages their self esteem.
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 57