Page 89 - And the Mountains Echoed (novel)

between us, what he had said, the pain of a life suppressed, of happiness never to

be.
“And I am telling you this now,” he said, “so you understand why I want you
to go. Go and find yourself a wife. Start your own family, Nabi, like everyone
else. There is still time for you.”
“Well,” I said at last, aiming to ease the tension with flippancy, “one of these
days I just might. And then you’ll be sorry. And so will the miserable bastard
who has to wash your diapers.”
“You always joke.”

I watched a beetle crawl lightly across a green-gray leaf.
“Don’t stay for me. This is what I’m saying, Nabi. Don’t stay for me.”
“You flatter yourself.”

“Again the joking,” he said tiredly.
I said nothing even though he had it wrong. I was not joking that time. My
staying was no longer for him. It had been at first. I had stayed initially because
Suleiman needed me, because he was wholly dependent on me. I had run once
before from someone who needed me, and the remorse I still feel I will take with
me to the grave. I could not do it again. But slowly, imperceptibly, my reasons
for staying changed. I cannot tell you when or how the change occurred, Mr.
Markos, only that I was staying for me now. Suleiman said I should marry. But
the fact is, I looked at my life and realized I already had what people sought in
marriage. I had comfort, and companionship, and a home where I was always
welcomed, loved, and needed. The physical urges I had as a man—and I still had
them, of course, though less frequent and less pressing now that I was older—
could still be managed, as I explained earlier. As for children, though I had

always liked them I had never felt a tug of paternal impulse in myself.
“If you mean to be a mule and not marry,” Suleiman said, “then I have a
request of you. But on the condition that you accept before I ask.”
I told him he could not demand that of me.
“And yet I am.”

I looked up at him.
“You can say no,” he said.
He knew me well. He smiled crookedly. I made my promise, and he made his
request.