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So what makes an open relationship work? Participants in Stults’ study

emphasized that success is predicated on creating rules and sticking to them.

For McIntyre and Allen, two rules are key: “Always tell the other person when
you hook up with someone else, and always practice safe sex,” Allen says.

For David Sotomayor, a 46-year-old financial planner from New York, sticking

to specific rules is fundamental to the success of his open marriage. “They’re
built to protect the love of our relationship,” he says.

“We can physically touch another man and have oral sex, but we can’t kiss, have

anal sex, or go on dates with other guys. We attach an emotional value to kissing
– it’s special and unique.”

But sticking to the rules isn’t always easy. Sotomayor has broken them multiple

times, which has caused conflict. “It creates a sense of doubt of whether someone
is telling the truth,” he says.

Brian Norton, a psychotherapist who specializes in gay couples and an adjunct

professor at Columbia University’s department of counseling and clinical
psychology, says: “Sex is an emotional experience.

There is emotion at play, and even in the most transactional experience someone

can get attached.”

Norton believes that going outside the relationship for sex can lead to emotional

insecurity. “I think it is a difficult pill to swallow that we cannot be all things to
our partners,” he says.

“A relationship is a constant balancing act between two conflicting human needs:

autonomy and the need for closeness.” Allen says: “It’s true that love and sex are
intertwined, but they aren’t the same thing.

Love is about so much more than sex. [There’s] intimacy, friendship, mutual care

and respect.”