Page 398 - Deception at work all chapters EBook

Giving Evidence 399

ing side to get you into a compromising position. Believe it or not, this sometimes happens and
what you tell her may be used against you when you are impaled in the witness box.

Don’t speak to anyone: pretend you are an accountant

In fact, do not discuss your evidence or the case with anyone else waiting around the court
and especially with a witness who has not completed his evidence and been released. A little
paranoia does no one any harm, and waiting about makes matters worse. This is the time to
read this book or have a nap: the two things are closely related as a NLP feedback loop.

While you are waiting, you will see barristers, solicitors, and even ordinary humans walk-
ing around, clutching papers and always looking either very happy or very anxious. It will help
you if you try to picture the very impressive, robed and wigged figures as they would appear
in real life: on the golf course or in the bath. This bit of NLP will help you set the right trans-
actional relationship when you get into court. Although lawyers are very clever, they do have
human tendencies, so don’t be misled by their emblems which are a historical relic meant to
increase your anxiety – as is the layout of the court. If you did not believe how important venue
and emblems are in increasing anxiety, you are about to find out. Courts are nasty places, full
of nasty people: much worse even than the Masonic lodge.

ENTERING THE COURT WITH PANACHE

Do not go into the court until your name is called. When this happens your legs will crumple
and the past will flash before your eyes, so much so that you may wish you had heeded your
mother’s advice and, like your uncle Alf, become a butcher: but it’s too late.

Make sure you pick up all of your belongings3 – TURN OFF YOUR MOBILE TELEPHONE
– and walk into court nice and slowly; don’t panic. Take your time and grab some deep breaths.
Wait to be spoken to and don’t start off with a cheery ‘Good morning, judge. I like your wig’
or with some flippant remark to the defendant like ‘Guilty bastard’. Neither will go down well.
Also, if you are a Freemason, don’t be tempted to give the secret gesticulations to members
of the jury, the judge or anyone else. This will not be appreciated, especially if you outrank
them. Stand still and wait until you are spoken to and take a few deep breaths, without overt
panting or gasping.

A closed mouth gathers no foot4

GIVING YOUR EVIDENCE IN CHIEF

You will be asked to take the oath or to make some other form of esoteric incantation, depend-
ing on your beliefs. Do this very carefully and remember that first impressions count; so that
within seconds the judge, jury and counsel will have unconsciously categorized your emblems
and formed an opinion of you. If you get off to a bad start or anyone senses any weakness, your
ass will get kicked: that’s a promise.

You will be asked your name and there is not much you can do about this, but it does
have an effect on the way you are perceived, especially by the jury, which is made up of or-

3 Especially your spectacles, hearing aid and hairpiece
4 Based on ‘A rolling stone gathers no moss’