Page 400 - Deception at work all chapters EBook

Giving Evidence 401

CROSS-EXAMINATION

The big problem comes with cross-examination by opposing counsel and, if there are a lot of
defendants, each one will have a personal monster who will attack you. It is one of life’s great
truths that opposing lawyers always appear bigger, better, cleverer and more determined than
yours, but don’t worry. They are all very smart: you are fodder for their cannons – they are the
hunters and you the huntee. Just accept this and adopt the transactional role of an adaptive
child and you may just survive.

Opposing counsel will ask you lots of dreadful questions, try to trip you up, and make you
appear an incompetent idiot or much worse. Remember this is his job and he will be doing
his best, but it’s no worse than being grilled by your wife when she caught you chatting up
your neighbour’s niece with the little black dress and legs to die for.5 Just remain calm and
don’t take it personally and remember when you get home your dog will still love you. Tell
the truth and if you have made a mistake admit it and, if necessary, apologize. Lawyers are
not used to apologies and your candour will impress them if only for the microseconds before
they kick your ass.

Don’t argue the case or matters of law – you are not an advocate; appear impartial and
concede points genuinely in favour of the defendant whom, deep down, you know is a loath-
some lowlife who pulls the legs off spiders and picks his nose. Just stick to the facts, remain
emotionally detached and never look at the defendant because, if you do, he will have a face
like thunder and this could unbalance you.

Occasionally, counsel will make mistakes and if this happens don’t laugh because if you
do, he will get you later. Lawyers are very clever and have long memories.

THE HEARTBEAT Lawyer: So when you signed the death
certificate you did none of the things your
An unusually uppity lawyer was cross- professional training would require you to
examining a coroner about a man’s death: do, did you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The
Lawyer: So, Mr Jones, you signed the man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk,
death certificate without taking his pulse or but for all I know, he could have been out
temperature? there somewhere practising law.
Coroner: Yes.
Lawyer: Did you listen for a heartbeat?
Coroner: No.

When opposing counsel sits down, you remain standing. Don’t move.

RE-EXAMINATION

Next you may be re-examined by counsel for your side. You can tell how badly you have been
dented in the cross-examination by the number of questions he asks and the way he avoids
eye contact. If there are a lot of questions, you can assume you have not been impressive. Don’t
worry: that’s life, and lawyers are very brainy.

5 If you have forgotten, please see page [xref]