Page 46 - swanns-way

imagined that Swann would have laughed heartily at it if
he had read my letter and had guessed its purpose; whereas,
on the contrary, as I was to learn in due course, a similar
anguish had been the bane of his life for many years, and
no one perhaps could have understood my feelings at that
moment so well as himself; to him, that anguish which lies
in knowing that the creature one adores is in some place of
enjoyment where oneself is not and cannot follow—to him
that anguish came through Love, to which it is in a sense
predestined, by which it must be equipped and adapted;
but when, as had befallen me, such an anguish possesses
one’s soul before Love has yet entered into one’s life, then
it must drift, awaiting Love’s coming, vague and free, with-
out precise attachment, at the disposal of one sentiment
to-day, of another to-morrow, of filial piety or affection for
a comrade. And the joy with which I first bound myself ap-
prentice, when Françoise returned to tell me that my letter
would be delivered; Swann, too, had known well that false
joy which a friend can give us, or some relative of the wom-
an we love, when on his arrival at the house or theatre where
she is to be found, for some ball or party or ‘first-night’ at
which he is to meet her, he sees us wandering outside, des-
perately awaiting some opportunity of communicating
with her. He recognises us, greets us familiarly, and asks
what we are doing there. And when we invent a story of hav-
ing some urgent message to give to his relative or friend, he
assures us that nothing could be more simple, takes us in at
the door, and promises to send her down to us in five min-
utes. How much we love him—as at that moment I loved

46 Swann’s Way