Page 937 - the-brothers-karamazov

‘But are you really so sensitive? At your age! Would you
believe it, just now, when you were telling your story, I
thought, as I watched you, that you must be very sensitive!’
‘You thought so? What an eye you’ve got, I say! I bet that
was when I was talking about the goose. That was just when
I was fancying you had a great contempt for me for being in
such a hurry to show off, and for a moment I quite hated you
for it, and began talking like a fool. Then I fancied — just
now, here — when I said that if there were no God He would
have to be invented, that I was in too great a hurry to display
my knowledge, especially as I got that phrase out of a book.
But I swear I wasn’t showing off out of vanity, though I re-
ally don’t know why. Because I was so pleased? Yes, I believe
it was because I was so pleased... though it’s perfectly dis-
graceful for anyone to be gushing directly they are pleased,
I know that. But I am convinced now that you don’t despise
me; it was all my imagination. Oh, Karamazov, I am pro-
foundly unhappy. I sometimes fancy all sorts of things, that
everyone is laughing at me, the whole world, and then I feel
ready to overturn the whole order of things.’
‘And you worry everyone about you,’ smiled Alyosha.
‘Yes, I worry everyone about me, especially my mother.
Karamazov, tell me, am I very ridiculous now?’
‘Don’t think about that, don’t think of it at all!’ cried
Alyosha. ‘And what does ridiculous mean? Isn’t everyone
constantly being or seeming ridiculous? Besides, nearly all
clever people now are fearfully afraid of being ridiculous,
and that makes them unhappy. All I am surprised at is that
you should be feeling that so early, though I’ve observed

The Brothers Karamazov