Page 58 - San Diego Woman Magazine Digital Version

BIT CHIN & MO ANING

Diet? I Don’t Need No Stinking Diet

By C F Illingworth
I tious steaks, ribs and roast din-
just got back from the doctor
ners. Her apple-berry pies were
this afternoon. He told me
that I am Pre-Diabetic. Doc-
that my step-grandfather was a
tor “J” informed me I need to legendary. I should also mention
watch my weight and my “DIET”. French Canadian, and he also
If that wasn’t bad enough, my loved to cook. He and I got along
wife was with me when the Doc famously. He enjoyed preparing
gave me the news. some of the most delectable,
Most guys know that it is high caloric breakfast foods that
a very bad idea for your wife to a gourmet chef would ever place
know about your poor health, be- on a plate. He methodically put
cause they now believe they must incredible tasting sauces on
h-e-l-p you with your problem. everything he prepared. So, to
Ok, ok, so I’m 52 lbs. overweight. this day, breakfast is by far my
Big Earth-shattering Deal. Inci- favorite meal.
dentally, here’s a little-known fact: So, as you can see, I was
there is a Patron Saint of Obesity introduced to good food from
and Dieting. Yep, that’s right. His an early age. It wasn’t until my
name is Saint Charles Borromeo. wife and I got married that I if there was no barcode, then it on a special diet. I’m sure you
I want to make it very clear really started to put on a few must be one of those free foods. wouldn’t believe me either, would
that my wife is a wonderful, pounds by enjoying my wife’s I was pleased with myself. I ate you? As one famous over-weight
loving person, and I have enjoyed fantastic meals. And now, after all a basket of strawberries because celebrity said, “Friends, Romans,
being married to her for 55 years. these years of diligently adding they are a free fruit, although no countrymen lend me your
However, yes, there is a however precious pounds to my five-foot one told me that I shouldn’t have points”, or something like that.
in this story. However, she can nine-inch frame, I am told I have added the whipped cream on As you can tell, I’m desperate.
be too helpful when it comes to to lose my cherished poundage. top of the berries. I guess it evens Help me, help me. “I’m melting,
my wellbeing. It’s like she is on a My wife, on the other hand, itself out. My wife wants me to melting. Oh what a world, what
quest to watch over me and assist has been on a maintenance diet attend a meeting so I can meet a a world.”
me in losing those extra pounds. for a couple of years now. (I think woman named Mrs. Watcher. I
The thing is, it’s taken me about she is at her perfect weight, and understand that everyone plays Mr. Illingworth is the author
30 years to get up to my weight, she also has a nice butt.) Can I a game that includes standing on of two books. One is a comical,
and I enjoyed acquiring every say that here? However, yeah I a scale; consequently, each dieter country, family themed book.
pound. know another however; my teeny will know how many points they The second book is a memoir
Those pounds were not tiny wife has been on a special can have for the week. I’m not of his childhood. They are both
procured by eating junk food; diet devised by some gal named sure that I want to go. The whole published on Amazon.com. You
but rather, by enjoying delicious Watcher. My wife wants me to procedure sounds a little scary can purchase the e-books or the
meals accompanied by a multi- begin following this same diet. I to me. paperbacks by typing:
tude of beverages. Some of these think she wants me on this diet so I’m worried now that my C F Illingworth in the Amazon
included fine wine, gourmet beer, she can weigh my food and count clothes won’t fit me anymore search bar.
such as Leinenkugel, and even out the Ritz chips. Everything has once I lose the weight. Right
some hard liquor. I also enjoyed a point value, and you are allowed now, all of my wardrobe
A&W root beer, cherry coke, and only so many points for the day. fits me perfectly. I’m
my hometown drink, MOXIE. When I first started, I ran a little afraid if I lose too
I grew up in Portland over my daily allotment of points. much weight, no
Maine; and therefore, my favorite Actually, it seems I used up not one will recog-
childhood meals prepared by my only my points for the day but her nize me. What
grandmother included virtually points as well. I found out that if I get stopped
every kind of fish and seafood you can’t put anything into your by a Sheriff,
that the Atlantic Ocean could mouth until you first take a pic- and he asks me
provide. This, of course, includ- ture of the barcode shown on the for my license?
ed fine whole succulent lobster food product. I was also informed He will look
served with farm fresh melted that there are some foods that are at me and say,
BUTTER. My grandmother and considered FREE. That means “That’s not you”,
step-grandfather owned a board- you can eat as much of that food and then I’ll be
ing house. My grandmother as you want, and it won’t add hauled off to the
would cook for her boarders and weight. I ate a whole bag of Lay’s sheriff’s station for
was renowned for her exquisite sour cream potato chips before I questioning. I don’t
clam chowder and crispy fish and realized the barcode was on the think they will believe me
chips; not to mention scrump- bottom of the bag. I figured that if I tell them that it’s because I’m

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