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EXERCISE | Exploring the appreciation process

The most effective form of appreciation I have experienced involves a three-part process.
1. Identify the “sense” that experienced the appreciation

2. Pinpoint the feeling you experience
3. Identify the reason for that feeling, the “because”

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When I saw the flowers I felt so grateful to you They reminded me of how kind you are to me
When I tasted the pasta I felt so proud of you Of how good you are at cooking
When I heard you reading the I felt so happy I know how much the kids love hearing you tell stories
kids the story
When you bought me that xxxxx I felt so appreciated You put so much thought into buying me an original gift that
meant something to me
When you called me I felt so relieved and I had been worried about you
happy
When I saw you looking so stun- I felt overwhelmed It reminded me of how proud I am of how well you look after
ningly beautiful tonight yourself
When you just sat and listened to I felt reassured and You didn’t judge or condemn me, you showed unconditional
my problems without saying a loved for myself love
word

The significant element of three part appreciation is that the appreciator shares the details of
her or his experience of the other person's action. These are quite different statements than
saying "You are wonderful!", "You are such a great guy.", "You are the greatest cook in the
world.", "You are so beautiful." and so on. Although such statements sound like the highest
praise, there can be a big gap between what they intend to express and how they are actually
received by others. Here are some reasons why.
Firstly although these are positive judgments, they still put the recipient in the position of “being
judged” and the praise giver in the position of judge, which is not necessarily the way you
intended. Many people have experienced an unhappy lifetime of being judged by others,
sometimes harshly, sometimes erratically, with the effect of making all judgments an unpleasant
experience.
Secondly, notice how in the "You are so beautiful" type statements the person doing the
appreciating has disappeared. These are actually very impersonal statements. There is no "I feel"
to anchor the feelings and give personal meaning to the appreciative feeling. One popular
song by the Hollies said it better by saying "Sometimes... all I need is the air that I breathe and to
love you," which would bring the listener much closer to the speaker's experience. This is a
moving statement of appreciation because it connects the "I" with the "you" very creatively in
the same sentence.

And finally, "You are wonderful" type statements are often vague and may lack descriptive
richness and meaning. The person being appreciated has to do a lot of mental work trying to
figure our exactly what about them is being appreciated. It would be more informative if I were
to say something like "I love the way you take care of your figure." or "I love the way you show so
much love” By comparison, you can hear how the three part appreciations say much more
than that.

I hope these ideas, examples and arguments have intrigued you about the possibilities of
expressing deeper appreciation to the important people in your life, in the universe that sustains
us all, and for all the simple things that could delight us if we let them. Part of that process
involves seeing with new eyes, standing back from the struggles and troubles of everyday life
and making time and space to notice what is good, healthy and delightful.