Page 83 - The Bridge Vol 17_pgs

VOLume 17

fat girl

kathleen bazarsky

i have found myself saying things like
i’m not hungry—when in fact i am starving
Saying things like
i had a big lunch—when i meant two days ago
Saying things like
i just ate—the entirety of the cheesecake in my shameful bedroom

i have found myself thinking that i
Do not deserve food
That i
Cannot eat
That i
Am too fat

i am back in a place i do not know how to get out of and it feels so good
Feels so beautiful to be hungry
Feels so peaceful even in the pain

No matter what it is i allow myself to shove down my throat and swallow with regret
i cannot keep it down

i am two weeks post-breakup and i have downloaded Tinder
And everyone seems to want to go to dinner
So i wonder what i can eat without being ill
Wonder what i can eat in front of a boy who wants to sleep with me for reasons i will never understand
Wonder if he will look at me while i eat
Wonder if he will see a fat girl sitting across from him at the table

i have been buying new underwear
You know,
For the new sex
Except i can only put the lingerie on if i haven’t eaten in a day or two

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