Page 127 - Bridget Jones's Diary - by Helen FIELDING

a pregnancy scare she's got so much English establishment behind her she'd be

down the aisle in an Amanda Wakeley wedding dress in ten minutes flat.
Outside, there was so much traffic noise I couldn't make Sharon understand.

'What? Bridget? I can't hear. Are you in trouble with the police?'

'No,' I snuffled. "Me blue line in the pregnancy test.'

'Jesus. I'll meet you in Café Rouge in fifteen minutes.'

Although it was only 12.45 1 thought a vodka and orange wouldn't do any

harm since it was a genuine emergency, but then I remembered that baby wasn't
supposed to have vodka. I waited, feeling like a weird sort of hermaphrodite or
Push-me-pull-you experiencing the most violently opposed baby sentiments of a
man and a woman both at the same time. On the one hand I was all nesty and
gooey about Daniel, smug about being a real woman - so irrepressiblv fecund! -

and imagining fluffy pink baby skin, a tiny creature to love, and darling little
Ralph Lauren baby outfits. On the other I was thinking, oh my God, life is over,
Daniel is a mad alcoholic and will kin me then chuck me when he finds out. No
more nights out with the girls, shopping, flirting, sex, bottles of wine and fags.
Instead I am going to turn into a hideous grow-bag-cum-milk-dispensing-
machine which no one will fancy and which will not fit into any of my trousers,
particularly my brand new acid-green Agnés B jeans. This confusion, I guess, is

the price I must pay for becoming a modern woman instead of following the
course nature intended by marrying Abnor Rimmington off the Northampton bus
when I was eighteen.

When Sharon arrived I sulkily thrust the pregnancy test with its tell-tale blue
line, at her under the table.

'Is this it?' she said.

'Of course it's it,' I muttered. 'What do you think it is? A portable phone?'

'You,' she said, 'are a ridiculous human being. Didn't you read the
instructions? There are supposed to be two lines. This line is just to show the test