Page 208 - The Houseguest

intangible thing, even disproven by most scientists...and yet you can still believe. I’ve tried to force myself into trusting like you do, but something is missing. There is a link, a gene, something that I do not possess and cannot acquire by wishing it were so. When I try, my mind thinks about all the bad things, the horrible things that happen to people. I think about the abuse, the pain, the starving, even for those who have faith. I cannot rectify this in my brain, in my soul, enough to follow your path.
And then, I think about love. I do believe in love. I believe that I love you and that I may have loved others in the past. Although with faith, love, or sanity, how do we know when any of them are real, for it appears we risk losing each of them every day. You tell me God judges the heart. I’ve never wished harm upon another soul. I have good in my heart; I can feel it. So why has He forsaken me? Is it because I don’t possess faith? Is that fair? How could a right and just God put someone he loves through this? Perhaps I could convince myself to believe if He would show me something sis...something I can see, something real. There are those who go to church claiming to have faith who do not have a pure heart. I know you say God’s love is everywhere. But where is it for me? If you’d witnessed the things that I have behind these prison walls, I think even your strong belief would be tested. With or without faith, I can’t do it again. When you are accused of something you didn’t do, it weighs heavy on your mind. Shit, being in this place for something you did do would be hard enough, but knowing that I am an innocent man, a good man, makes it hurt worse.
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The Houseguest by Linda Ellis www.LindaEllis.life