Page 169 - Some Dance to Remember

Some Dance to Remember 139

gay men and it was bad, at least I’d still have the money.
Ray was so drunk last night he got vicious. He got into acting
the way ex-cons act. It’s a good thing Tiger was there. You have
to treat ex-cons different. Ray’s a murderer. He’s done time for
murder. He stood there while his buddy cut the poor yuppie’s
throat. He didn’t do it directly, but he did it. He was there, and
he’s got the murder all twisted around.
Listen to this. I’m not talking reason like you and I know it.
I’m talking meanness. I could hardly believe it when Ray said to
me. “It was shit for us when we cut that dude. I mean, look what
happened to me and my buddy. Both of us locked up because of
that dead asshole. The fucker deserved to die. He only had thirty
dollars, and that wasn’t enough for us to pay the two girls we had
waiting in the parking lot, and besides he didn’t want to give it
up.”
Can you believe anyone reasons like that? These guys will
kill you for thirty bucks. Thirty bucks may not be much to you,
but when they don’t have thirty bucks, it’s everything to them.
If you understand that, you understand why there’s revolution in
our world.
It’s no wonder I think about suicide seven days a week. I’m
not depressed the way you used to be. The way I think you still
are, but won’t admit to, because Kick doesn’t like it. Suicide just
seems like a rational ending, a final taking control of our irratio-
nal lives.
How much longer can I put up with this stuff before Ray
comes over with Tiger and they put their little plan together to
rob and kill me? I maybe suicidal but I don’t want to die.
What I mean is the fun never stops. Do you know all the
things I put up with? These punks are as stupid as they are smart.
Sometimes I’m more stupid than I’m smart.
Three nights ago, four of them brought this blonde Swedish
girl back to my apartment. They asked to go to the guest bedroom
to smoke some dope. The girl couldn’t speak any English. She was
maybe only fifteen or sixteen. They ran a train on her. All four
of them. Tiger included. A couple of them more than once. She
wasn’t all that unwilling, because she never screamed; but she
was fucking menstruating and couldn’t even ask for napkins in
English. Then I heard them talking they were going to take her
out to McDonald’s on Market, order her a Big Mac, and run out

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