Page 302 - Some Dance to Remember

272 Jack Fritscher

Ryan’s heart dropped. “Forget the stuff,” he said ad-libbing, desper-
ately trying to keep Kick from driving into the night. “We’ll just go to
sleep.” Ryan couldn’t bear for Kick to be lonely or hurt.
“I think I should head back to the ranch,” Kick said. “I can be alone
there.”
“It’s an hour’s drive,” Ryan said. “Besides, I can’t bear a half-empty
mattress.”
“What can I say?”
“Sometimes the thing to say is don’t say anything at all.”
“Believe me,” Kick said, “I want to play with you. I want you to play
with me. But this is as good. This is fine. This talk has been satisfaction.” He
put his hand on Ryan’s thigh. “I’m not saying no. I’m saying not right now.”
Ryan so feared the translation of that line, he blurted: “I love you.”
“I love you.”
“You know,” Ryan said, “I sold my soul for you.”
“I bought it back for you.”
“Then let me pay you back tonight.”
Kick smiled and shook his head. “I love you, madman!” Kick leaned
into Ryan and kissed him.
Ryan’s Journal entry for that night read:

His blond moustache met my black one. I turn to jelly, but I
don’t fall apart. “You’re so together,” I said to him. “It’s okay for
you to feel down sometimes. Okay for you to come and go.” We
held onto each other in his car in the rain. “Someday,” I said, “I’m
going to hug the shit out of you.”
“I sure hope so,” he said.
I handed him the manuscript of Universal Appeal. I got out
of the car and walked to the house. He waited till I opened the
door, then he started up the Corvette, saluted from the window,
and pulled slowly away from the curb. I stood in the door the way
I always do when he drives off, the way I learned from the movies,
watching him cruise down the hill until he is out of sight, watch-
ing after him as long as I can. I came into the house and put on
a video I had shot of his face and paid physical honor to him and
me and to us with my cock alone in my hand.
Out of my cuming came my mantra for the evening: “Please,
know. Please, know! Please, know!” And I spoke through my tears
to his videotaped face. And I meant, please know how much I
adore you. You are so valuable to me. You are living proof that all

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