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negative emotions occurring and accept them as a part of our grief.
The Personality of the Bereaved. We all deal with stress differently. Some of us are more vulnerable to poor stress management; particularly if we have experienced loss or trauma at a young age. In these cases, it may be useful to seek trusted help to face this loss.
Stages of Grief (Sanders)
Grief is considered a process for a reason. There is no single symptom of grief. The process will evolve with time and will provide different stages of healing. For this reason, most experts compartmentalize grief into stages. The stages of grief we will explore are: 1. shock, 2. awareness of loss, 3. conservation and the need to withdraw, 4. healing, and 5. Renewal.
Stage 1: Shock
Whether the loss of a loved one is anticipated or not, we all feel shock and disbelief to some extent at the time of loss. We will typically respond to shock in the same way we have responded to other stressors in our life, but more intensely. As Dr. Catherine M. Sanders puts it, “Grief doesn’t change us, but it exaggerates our usual response patterns” (1992:42).
In the first stage, you can expect to feel: a state of alarm, disbelief, confusion, restlessness, feelings of unreality, and helplessness. When we are in a state of alarm, we do not believe the world is safe; our body reacts as if we are in a dangerous situation and so does our mind. We may experience nausea, sweaty hands, trembling, or a decreased appetite. When we are in disbelief, we may feel a short-term retreat from reality, only to be faced with reality all over again once it passes. When we experience confusion, we may have trouble concentrating and other problems with memory. Our
habitual patterns may be broken and new information will overwhelm us. When we experience restlessness, we will have increased muscle tension and may need to sit in stillness. However, when we do our mind will race, and our body will feel agitated. The experience of feelings of unreality truly interferes with our perception of the real world. Everything may appear dim or vague, and it may feel as though we are living in a surreal world.
Some may feel as if they are “beside themselves,” standing outside of their body and watching themselves. This numbness and disconnection can also act as a buffer between the self and reality. Finally, it is common to feel helpless.
Typically, death is out of our control and no action can bring things back to how they were. Helplessness can lead to frustration, agitation or deep sadness. In order to move to the next stage of grief, it is important to do what you can to make yourself feel safe at this time, allow others to nurture you, and be patient with yourself. Avoid major decisions and take an active role in celebrating your loved one. Eventually the stage of shock will end, and will be succeeded by the second stage of: awareness of loss.
Stage 2: Awareness of Loss
The initial stage of loss, shock, acts as a buffer between the event and our emotional experience of pain. As we exit this stage, we enter the stage of awareness and are left feeling unprotected and raw. The stage of awareness can be characterized by: separation anxiety, conflicts, acting out emotional expectations, and prolonged stress. Separation anxiety can produce the feeling of unsafeness, and a struggle for control. In this time, you may want to cling to something or someone else rather than facing the anxiety head on.
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