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260 | A New Light
than the person in this entire description. My
troubles, the pangs of my soul, and the ailments
of my heart are exceedingly more than all of this.
There are no words in the world with which I can
express myself. It is very grievous for me, Master
of the entire universe, it is very grievous for me,
my Father in heaven, it is very grievous for me—
more so than any other type of bitterness. My
soul grieves. My heart moans within me, “My
insides, my insides, I writhe in pain!” (Jeremiah
4:19). Hashem, how many are those who cause me
grief! How many rise up against me!
Rabbi Natan visualized cravings and sins as swords, deadly
poison and evil, ravening beasts. He imagined thousands of arrows
whose poison and venom festered in his body, he saw himself as
imprisoned and as being pursued by scorpions and thousands of
people intending to kill him. Clearly, his outcry was absolute and
genuine, and his prayer swiftly saved him.
If a person does not recognize the spiritual danger he is in because
he has sinned so many times that doing so seems permissible, he
must cry out about this itself: that he has lost all of the simple
sensitivity and awareness of the fear of heaven. He must beg Hashem
forcefully and powerfully to help him be able to feel this, and he
must cry out to Hashem even more strongly than before and ask
Him to keep him from stumbling again. He should say: “Master of
the world, I am no longer sensitive to the presence of death. I have
transgressed so many times that doing so seems permissible to me.
If, heaven forbid, I will transgress one more time, I might even think
that doing so is a mitzvah. Therefore, I cannot afford to transgress
even once more. That would truly be my end. I need You to have
compassion on me and save me right away.” Everyone must pray
from his own place, from his own point of truth. But the common
denominator is that a person’s prayer must be uncompromising and
completely fervent. Come to Hashem with the intent to cry out
and with the intent to receive.
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when he works on attaining a calm mind and reminds himself of the
lessons that he has been learning, then the inner sense that every
sin and every craving constitutes death awakens within him. Then
he can argue before Hashem with all his might and with an outcry
of his heart:
Master of the universe, I need You to rescue me.
Please rescue me right now. Did You create me so
that I would be like an animal? You created me as
a member of the human race, but right now I am
not a human being. Why am I acting in such a way
that I am an animal, a beast on two legs? Rescue
me, save me! You must help me immediately, right
now! I cannot continue in this way for even one
second more. This is worse than every prison,
every type of dungeon, and the harshest and
bitterest punishments. Master of the universe, in
every craving I lose my heart entirely, I lose that
which is most precious to me. I lose my life because
of my foolishness, because of my delusions. Day
after day, I am swept away. I am drowning and
in terrible danger. I have no strength left. In one
more moment, I will be lost. You must save me!
Contemplating One’s Prayer
I have been asked: Isn’t this type of approach called “contemplating
one’s prayer”? The Gemara states: “Three things cause [heaven to]
take note of a person’s sins. These are: [standing near] a leaning
wall, contemplating one’s prayer, and wishing heavenly punishment
on someone else.” And the Gemara adds that “a person who
contemplates his prayer ends up with a pained heart” (Berachot
55a). The commentators explain that this is speaking of a person
who thinks that his prayer will certainly be accepted. In keeping with
this, the halachah states: “Do not think: ‘It is fitting that the Holy
One, blessed be He, will do what I have asked for, since I prayed
properly.’ To the contrary, that attitude will cause a person’s sins