Page 581 - A Little Life: A Novel

Now it is June, now it is July. The wounds on his legs—the old ones,
which he has had for more than a year, and the more recent ones, which he
has had since March—have not healed. They have barely diminished. And

it is then, just after the Fourth of July weekend, just after Willem’s run ends,
that Andy asks if he can come talk to him and Willem. And because he
knows what Andy is going to say, he lies and says that Willem is busy, that
Willem doesn’t have the time, as if by delaying the conversation, he might
delay his future as well, but early one Saturday evening he comes home
from the office and there they are in the apartment, waiting for him.
The speech is what he expects. Andy recommends—he strongly

recommends—amputation. Andy is gentle, very gentle, but he can tell, from
how rehearsed his delivery is, from how formal he is, that he is nervous.
“We always knew this day would come,” Andy begins, “but that doesn’t
make it any easier. Jude, only you know how much pain, how much
inconvenience, you can tolerate. I can’t tell you that. I can tell you that
you’ve gone on far longer than most people would. I can tell you you’ve

been extraordinarily courageous—don’t make that face: you have been; you
are—and I can tell you that I can’t imagine what you’ve been suffering.
“But all of that aside—even if you feel you have the wherewithal to keep
going—there are some realities to consider here. The treatments aren’t
working. The wounds aren’t healing. The fact that you’ve had two bone
infections in less than a year is alarming to me. I’m worried you’re going to
develop an allergy to one of the antibiotics, and then we’ll be really, really

fucked. And even if you don’t, you’re not tolerating the drugs as well as I’d
hoped you would: you’ve lost way too much weight, a troubling amount of
weight, and every time I see you, you’ve gotten a little weaker.
“The tissue in your upper legs seems to be healthy enough that I’m pretty
certain we’ll be able to spare both knees. And Jude, I promise you that your
quality of life will improve instantly if we amputate. There won’t be any

more pain in your feet. You’ve never had a wound on your thighs, and I
don’t think there’s any immediate fear you will. The prosthetics available
now are so infinitely superior than what they were even ten years ago that
honestly, your gait will probably be better, more natural, with them than it is
with your actual legs. The surgery is very straightforward—just four hours
or so—and I’ll do it myself. And the inpatient recovery is brief: less than a
week in the hospital, and we’ll fit you with temporary prostheses

immediately.”