Page 256 - A Woman Is No Man

Isra paused after finishing the letter. She folded it twice before tucking it
between the pages of A Thousand and One Nights. Then she returned the
book to the back of the closet, where she knew no one would find it.

I’m crazy, she thought. If anyone finds this, they’ll think I’ve gone mad.
They’ll know there’s something dark inside me. But writing was the only
thing that helped. With Sarah gone, she didn’t have anyone to talk to
anymore. And the loss of this thing, this connection she hadn’t even
realized she needed until she’d had it, made her want to cry all the time. She
knew she would always be alone now.

Bedtime, and her daughters wanted a story.
“But we don’t have any books,” Isra said. With Sarah gone, they were

limited to the books Deya brought home from school, and now they were
on summer break. Thinking of Sarah’s absence, of all the books she would
no longer read, Isra felt a wave of darkness wash over her. Sharing her
favorite thing with her daughters had once been the best part of her day.
“But I want a story,” Deya cried. Isra looked away. How much she hated
the sight of Deya’s troubled eyes. How much they reminded her of her

failure.
“I’ll read to you tomorrow,” she said. “It’s time for bed.”
She sat by the window and watched them fall asleep, telling herself
everything was okay. That it was normal for her to feel frustrated, that her
daughters wouldn’t even remember her sadness. She told herself she would
feel better tomorrow. But she knew she was lying to herself—tomorrow her
anger would only multiply. Because it wasn’t okay. Because she knew she

was getting worse, that this deep, dark thing inside her was not going
anywhere. Was it a jinn, or was it herself? How was she to know? All she
knew was that she was afraid of what would become of her, of how much
her daughters would come to resent her, of how, even though she knew she
was wrong, she couldn’t stop hurting them. Is this what Adam felt, Isra
wondered, when he came into the room at night, ripping off his belt and

whipping her? Did he feel powerless, too? Like he needed to stop but
couldn’t, like he was the worst person on earth? Only he wasn’t the worst
person on earth. She was, and she deserved to get beaten for all of it.