Page 44 - Bondage Basics: Naughty Knots and Risque Restraints

Communication doesn’t stop when a scene starts. In fact, good riggers and doms will Pushing Boundaries without Overstepping Them
ensure that communication plays a central role in any bondage scene. You should feel
comfortable alerting your top to the fact that the fingers on your left hand have gone tingly,
or that your right leg has gone to sleep. The rigger should then handle the situation so
that these issues are dealt with, and then the scene can move on. It doesn’t necessarily
mean the scene needs to end, as sometimes a shift of a rope wrap or a chance to stretch
will make everything better and you can continue. If at any time you don’t feel that you’re
being properly listened to, then bring out your safe word. That’s what it’s there for, after all.
Also it is your responsibility to be able to use that word when you need to. Your partner is
not a mind reader. If you need help, say so. You are ultimately responsible for your safety
while your partner is there to support you in being safe.
So let’s say that you’ve been through your first bondage session, and everything went
swimmingly. The rope marks on your tender thighs are receding and your dom is
feeding you dark chocolate while he rubs your tired neck and tells you how beautiful
you are. Lovely—well done you! But you know what’s coming next? That’s right: more
communication. The discussion after a scene is as important as the discussion before it,
and as you’ll only truly know how you feel about things once they’ve happened, your
journey into bondage will be hindered if you don’t reflect on your experiences honestly.
Don’t be afraid to say if you didn’t particularly enjoy a certain something, or if your needs
and desires weren’t effectively catered to. Be honest and accepting. This is the key to good
communication. It doesn’t have to happen right away—enjoy that afterglow! Pick up the
conversation when the time is right, but don’t wait more than a day. You want the memory
to be fresh.
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We talked about hard and soft limits, and how soft limits can be worked toward or even
pushed as part of play. But how do you approach your own limits or someone else’s
without overstepping what everyone is comfortable with? The truth is that this is difficult,
and those who are new to restraint should exercise caution in approaching any limits at all.
Play partners should have a history of successful play and should trust each other implicitly
before they begin to push the boundaries, and you should never rush into it. Remember:
There’s always another playdate.
I remember one time when I was doing some bondage play and the rope bunny wanted
to try a specific position with her hands in a tight tie. Physically everything was going fine,
but as we got into the tie together, she realized that she had an emotional trigger from a
playdate that went wrong years ago. She quickly said “yellow,” so I untied her and then
we had a good hug. After a while, we talked about what happened. The partner she used
to have would tie her in that position but then engage in emotionally abusive dialog, and
just being back in that position brought a flood of feelings, meaning that she couldn’t go
forward. I didn’t know about this when we started (and most likely, she had forgotten
about it entirely) but when she said “yellow,” I became the compassionate rope partner
I am and hugged her until she could vocalize what was going on. The play that evening
stopped and we went for dinner instead. That brought levity to the mood and we made a
playdate for later that week. We never tried that position again. An easy fix is possible if
you are a compassionate partner. Just because the play session ends, doesn’t mean it’s
the end of all play.
If you’re the dominant in a relationship, start by asking your sub why exactly they want to
approach the issues that surround their soft limits. Some people want to approach these
to work through self-doubt or trauma while others simply want to experience something
they’ve always been too scared to try. Understanding your bunny’s motivation will help you
ensure that everyone is satisfied after a scene.
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