Page 35 - DIVA_1_2012

wiii i'wvcii Wdria

Medical

One of the greatest of Diplomatic
Matters Hazards is trying to find medical
advisors in a new posting.

oon after arrival, the very screen paid for by a couple of previous H.E. huffs and puffs every time I book
best "By Appointment To" victims and judiciously placed over a dental appointment and blames my
doctors and dentists are my reclining head, I could only agree problems on my excessive intake of
paraded for one's delight. it was not a pretty sight. Restoration chocolate -- which of course is rub-
S In Vienna, as I recall, the of a chipped tooth was, apparently, bish! Crowns are just a bugger where-
main claim to fame of the quack in the very least of my worries. First we ver you have them fitted. We were in
question was the privilege one had of had to rip out those dreadful crowns a somewhat insalubrious restaurant
climbing over an array of Habsburg (pace Flemish-speaking Chinese the other day eating a rather undis-
legs in the waiting room in order to lady), which were any minute now tinguished plate of goulash, when he
reach the freshly ironed copies of The going to be responsible for the loss of suddenly went all quiet and then, ever
Tatler or Harpers & Queen. The actual two perfectly good (albeit reduced un- so genteely, spat out the contents of
level of medical assistance was, it has derneath to mere supporting stumps) his mouth behind a discreet hand.
transpired over the years, far from teeth. After which we would need
inspirational. braces (BRACES? I was the wrong side "I've jutht lotht the capthule on my fir-
Of 50, for heaven's sake!) to straigh- tht inthithor," he said.
When in Russia I chipped a tooth ten a crooked molar (I'd had that
and after agonizing for a week as to crooked molar since I was 7 years old Damn, I thought. Bang went the new
whether to return to Brussels to revisit and happened to be very attached to handbag I had my eye on.
the last dentist on my list -- a Chinese it, both literally and figuratively) and
lady who spoke only Flemish and was thereafter would need to look serious- Fishing around a little more in his
a fanatic windsurfer, travelling the ly into those lethal amalgam (London, mouth, however, his eyes widened
world in search of ever stronger winds circa 1963) and gold (Vienna, circa with alarm. 0 Lord. Not another one?
-- I convinced myself that this had to 1972) fillings. When I asked feebly
be a ridiculous waste of money, and how much all this radical orthodontic "You know what?" he asked. Well no, I
that I could not justify a trip to Bel- work was going to set me back, they didn't, of course. Nor could I even fon-
gium every time I lost a filling. Nor rolled off a sum, nicely rounded up to dly imagine.
trips to the UK for pap tests. Not to the nearest thousand dollars, roughly
mention flights to Nigeria where the equal to four months of His Excel- "I haven't lost the capsule on my first
best-ever dermatologist still resides. lency's salary. It was also pointed out incisor at all. Nor anywhere else, for
Thus, I headed for Moscow Zoo, next that since my line of business required that matter."
to which, appropriately or not, the that I smile a lot, I should consider it
French Medical Centre was located, a very necessary investment. I won- No, I said. Right. Your speech has im-
having been forewarned that it was dered at the time if I could get it back proved, too. Lost the lisp. Miraculous.
somewhat cher. on office expenses like Fax paper and
ball-point pens. I really wished that Except that it was sitting there amidst
Indeed. little organization of Diplomatic Wives the goulash staring us in the face, so to
back in Rome would consider aspects speak. A fine specimen. Difficult to tell
In the manner of dentists the world such as these, instead of sending me whether of male or female origin, but
over, they heaved agonized groans interminable communications asking a perfectly formed dental crown, one
at the sight of my mouthful of inter- how many tablecloths and fish knives owner, hardly worn.
national fillings, took X rays from eve- I was missing. Face lifts for the long
ry conceivable angle and some others suffering spouse should quite It sort of put us off the rest of our din-
yet to be invented, and condemned the definitely be chargeable, for example, ner, really.
entire collection. My mouth is, admit- and might even make some of the
tedly, the oral equivalent of the Tower higher echelons think twice about Do tell me, someone: what does one
of Babel. Every last technique and mi- ditching their outdated model for do in a situation like this?
neral from four of the five continents is a younger, though not-necessarily-
represented therein. Rendered trans- untried, version. And anyway I need
parent by state-of-the-art French ra- those teeth to Eat for my Country.
diological technology on a giant video

International 33