Page 15 - Mega Bridal Issue

Women's Work

By Shelli Chosak, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Chosak,
How much do you compromise for love?
-Diane in Del Mar the kitchen.” They continue to negotiate until both are satisfied that
there is an equal trade-off. If this process is adopted as an ongoing
Dear Diane, means of resolving differences, it will strengthen the relationship.
Thanks for your question, one that usually gets acted on without
thinking it through ahead of time. Dear Dr. Chosak,
In the bloom of early love, most of us are anxious to please the My daughter has just become engaged to a wonderful young
other person in the name of “protecting” the relationship, and man. She is the first of my children to get married, and I’m
because being in love just seems to motivate that desire. really excited about planning the wedding. Tina and Greg say
As time goes on, and we feel more secure in the relationship, that they want to plan the wedding. I say since her father and I are
desire to accommodate comes into conflict with our own need to paying for it, we get to decide what type of wedding to have.
feel considered, appreciated, and known. Some of us seem to be I’ve been to several weddings of my friends’ children, and am
able to compromise for a very long time. In my experience, this looking forward to reciprocating.
usually reaches a breaking point, and the “pleaser” hits a wall and My kids don’t want a big wedding, just family and a few close
either transforms into the opposite, becoming “selfish,” “uncaring,” friends. I don’t want this to turn into a difficult situation, but
or simply decides to leave the relationship, mentally, emotionally, I think my daughter and future son-in-law should respect our
and/or physically. wishes. –Ellen
Every relationship requires adjustments: after all you are combin-
ing your life with another person who has needs of his/her own. If Dear Ellen, San Diego Woman
the relationship is to survive and thrive, a balance has to be struck Congratulations on your daughter’s engagement. You didn’t men-
so that each person in the relationship feels an equality of give and tion the ages of your daughter and future son-in-law, which is a
take. factor in determining the best solution to your dilemma.
So, how can you figure out how to create and maintain equilibrium? Traditionally, marriages occurred at an earlier age than they do 15
First of all, this is not simply your responsibility. If one of you is de- today, and often the “children” were not interested or capable of
ciding how much to compromise and there has been no discussion planning their own wedding. In more recent years, the average age
on the subject, you are already setting up a dynamic of inequality. of young people getting married has risen, from 18-22, to 25-30.
The best time to have this conversation is before you live together This usually means the children are working and living on their own
or get married. As the relationship evolves, needs may change, new as emancipated adults. Too often the parents are relying on past
needs may emerge and your initial understanding may have to be traditions and practices for decisions on how to participate in the
reevaluated. The key is to keep the dialogue going, and the commit- wedding plans.
ment to thoughtful negotiation intact. No matter what the ages of your engaged couple, the most impor-
The first step is for each of you to express your primary needs that tant consideration is your present and future relationship with your
relate to you being a couple. The next step is to set up a process of daughter and future son-in-law. Parents too often get so caught up
negotiation-- not compromise! in the excitement of the event, they forget this critical factor. Even if
How does negotiation differ from compromise? In a compromise, at they are young, the couple is entering into a state of adult respon-
least one of you feels like you are giving something up, or “losing”. sibility. There is no time like now to help facilitate that transition.
This can then set up a dynamic where that person consciously or Even if you are paying for the wedding, you need to consider that
unconsciously seeks an opportunity to gain something, or “win” next as a gift, not a right to exert control. Some parents decide on the
time. A cycle of trading off or giving in begins that leads into a down- amount they are willing or able to spend on this event, and let their
ward spiral. In a negotiation, each of you comes away feeling you offspring choose to take the money to set up housekeeping, use
have gained something, with little or no residue of negative feelings. it for a honeymoon, or invest it, or to have their dream wedding. If
Here’s a simple example: Tom wants to have Chinese food for din- your children are living on their own and earning a living, they may
ner, Karen wants to go to a seafood restaurant. In a compromise, want to or be willing to cover part or all of the cost of the wedding.
one of them would say, “okay,” and feel somewhat deprived. That Each of your financial situations will be a factor in making this deter-
person would then look for a way to “win” next time, and then the mination.
other person would feel deprived, and that’s how the downward A wedding lasts a day, your relationship with your children lasts a
spiral starts—it becomes a competition for who can get their needs lifetime. Your memories of this occasion will be essentially colored
or wishes met at any given point. by how you navigate the process with your children, much less
In a negotiation, Tom or Karen would say, “Okay, let’s have Chinese by how lavish the event, or how many of your friends attended.
food tonight, and seafood for our next dinner out.” Or, “I’m willing to
have Chinese food if you would be willing to fix the leaky faucet in Please send your questions to: Shelli@SanDiegoWoman.com