Page 31 - Mega Bridal Issue

How to Put More “Happily” in “Ever After”

Shelli Chosak, Ph.D.

So, you’ve decided you are getting married for all the right reasons. -- Brush up on basic communication skills, either from taking a
It’s an exciting time, embarking on a new lifelong adventure. course, reading a book, or talking to someone knowledgeable in
this field. The essence of effective communication skills is how
One question I hear from many contemplating this very big step: to listen in ways that will develop a real understanding of your
“How can I know it will last?” partner’s needs and wishes. You will know the communication is
No one has a crystal ball or perfect formula, but there are things effective when each of you feels heard and can move on to other
you can do to improve the chances that your marriage will be topics. This builds trust and safety.
lasting and rewarding. -- Adopt a habit of being honest and open with each other, always
with consideration. Good communication skills will be of great
What can you do to make the marriage stable and satisfying? help in this area as well. When you find the right words to express
what you are feeling or needing, it will be safer for each of you to
Here’s a checklist for you—to determine before the wedding: address the sensitive subjects in a more honest way. If you are not
feeling safe enough to speak openly, you need to discuss this with
• Do you truly care about your partner’s well-being as much as your your partner.
own? -- Take time to explore the assumptions and expectations each of
• Are you both committed to being honest and open with each other you have relevant to any of these topics. You might be surprised
in a considerate manner? what you learn about yourself and your mate.
• Do you understand the emotional needs of your partner, and does -- Spend time sharing the attitudes and styles you have brought
he understand yours? into the relationship based on your previous life experiences, start-
• Are you both willing to determine whose needs take precedence ing with your family of origin. Then examine those attitudes and
when those needs are in conflict? styles with the intention of making your own choices as a new fam-
• Have you worked out a plan for taking care of the responsibilities ily unit by evaluating how well those previous experiences worked
of the household that you both agree to, willingly? for you, and what you can agree on as a couple.
• Have you discussed each of your wishes about having a family: -- Make a commitment to resolve any differences of needs or
when, how many children, who will take responsibility for the major wishes
parenting, and your philosophy on child rearing?
• Have you discussed your ideas and desires about how the -- When those inevitable times of conflict or disagreement arise,
finances will be handled? it is all too easy to point to your partner as the cause of the prob-
• Have you discussed how you like to spend your leisure time, and lem. Because you are human, when emotions are high, you will
how you will negotiate the differences in your preferences? find, despite your best intentions, you may “get into it” by blam- San Diego Woman
• Have you discussed what role you want your extended family to ing the other person. The key is to not allow strong feelings to
play in your life together? slide or disappear, because they really don’t. They just get stored
• Have you come to some considerable agreement on all of the underground, waiting to erupt when the next opportunity comes
above while being true to yourself without undue compromise or up. As soon as your emotions have cooled, sit down together and 31
manipulation? acknowledge what your part in the dispute was. Taking responsibil-
ity for, or owning up to your part of the problem is a significant step
The items on this checklist are the areas where the most conflict in building trust and safety in the relationship. In addition, when you
and misunderstandings occur in marriages, One of the reasons are willing to take responsibility, it encourages your partner to do
is all too often, these issues are not discussed before marriage or the same.
anytime after, until problems have built up, and each person has
accumulated feelings of resentment, frustration, and discourage- -- Make it a practice to put the welfare of your relationship first.
ment. Addressing them early on can save a lot of those unwanted Once you feel you have the security of your commitment to each
feelings and promote more harmony. other, it is far too easy to turn your attention to the other relation-
Another reason these subjects create resentment and misunder- ships in your life. Pressures from family, friends and/or work can
standing is how they are discussed, both in terms of timing and tempt you to turn your energies into accommodating those people
communication. Find a time to talk to each other when you are not and neglecting your partner. Always keep in mind the value and
rushed or preoccupied with other things, and both of you are willing importance of your primary relationship, and avoid the trap of think-
to have a dialogue. Make sure you are communicating your sincere ing it doesn’t need consistent feeding and watering. This doesn’t
feelings about the issue, avoid trying to sell your point of view. mean you neglect or ignore your other relationships, and recognize
The reason these particular subjects are the source of much mis- that at times, they need to be nourished also. Just don’t do it
understanding is because they set the framework for the relation- regularly at the expense of your marriage.
ship, and are significant factors in a couple’s daily lives. They also
carry the seeds of discussions that can easily become emotionally -- Arrange time to have regular check-ins with your partner. This is
laden because they reflect values and practices each person has an opportunity to discuss how things are going, and to catch small
brought into the marriage. disconnections before they become big ones.

Couples often spend far too much time trying to resolve their differ- -- Your marriage is the most significant commitment you can
ences by debating specifics when developing an understanding of make. Plan time to ensure this important relationship will bring the
the underlying feelings and dynamics would be more effective. rewards you are seeking.
Here are some guidelines for how to address these issues and If you would like some suggestions for additional reading on these
how to keep them from eroding the good will and trust in your subjects, e-mail me at: Shelli@SanDiegoWoman.com
relationship: