Page 29 - Mega Bridal Issue

So you’re or your future husband did wrong or could have done differently is
the elephant in the room that must be addressed before consider-
ing how to begin a new life with each other. As Don Henley of the
Eagles so aptly puts it, “There are three sides to every story…
taking the plunge there’s yours and there’s mine and the cold, hard truth.” Objectiv-
ity is difficult for everyone, and taking responsibility for what might
again? have been your mistake is a huge step for your future spouse.
Likewise, if your husband shows no acknowledgement of the role
he may have played in the dissolution of his first marriage, it would
By Anne R. Daniells be wise to address the topic long before history repeats itself.

Or maybe your fiancé has been down the aisle before. Should you Conflict resolution skills are needed in all relationships—at work
worry about a repeat performance? Major life decisions can bring and at home. But resolving conflict takes training and practice even
up many concerns. With so much to consider, knowing what might if there was a long first marriage. Millie, who married a first-timer
be problematic ahead of time could be a true life-decision saver. but had been married herself before, highly recommends premarital
counseling. She tried it before her second marriage and wishes
In this day and age, second marriages are not uncommon, but the she had done it before the first marriage. Simply having an impartial
statistics for second marriages are, sadly, worse than first marriag- third party reiterate your feelings and those of your fiancé without
es. According to the National Center for Health Statistics (2002), the emotions attached makes communication smoother. While they

San Diego Woman

29

15% of second marriages end after only three years, and almost had few initial issues of their own (no kids, no property to settle,
25% are dissolved within five years. This seems to be true whether no ex-spouses involved), her fiancé did have some concerns that
the first marriage ended in divorce or in the tragic loss of a spouse. originated in his own parents’ divorce. Marriage counselors can
certainly be helpful, and while it may not seem necessary right now,
And if you’re under 25 years old, the statistics are even bleaker. try to assess ahead of time just how willing your new love is to hav-
Throw in the complexities of children from a prior marriage (or two) ing a third party step in and help. If the time comes when communi-
in the mix, and you may reconsider the deposits on the reception cation is not occurring and things are not progressing, knowing that
site! your partner is willing to seek help can resolve issues sooner.
The fact is that marriage is a commitment that requires work, and a Generally, second-timers take more time to get to know the person
lot of it should be done long before committing a second time. they are marrying. In addition, they have a better idea of what they
want and, if they are honest, what they are willing to provide. Is
The first and perhaps greatest consideration is personal responsibil- dinner together a priority, or do you prefer popcorn and beer after
ity for the past. Many people blame their ex for the failure of a first a long work day? Would you rather trim trees while he makes
marriage. While there are probably reasons for this, taking per- breakfast, or are slow weekend mornings in bed more important?
sonal responsibility for past failure is an important step in ensuring How will holidays change when minor children and other family are
a second relationship will be successful. Understanding what you involved? No arrangement is wrong—except the one that is pre-