Page 44 - Fashion issue

Are You a Giraffe? Kathryn Rudlin, LCSW, a giraffe, is available for counseling and

How Women Recover From Being consultation to daughters of narcissistic mothers and mental
health professionals, email her at: knownarcs@att.net.
Raised by a Narcissistic Mother
Resources to learn more about maternal narcissism:

Recently 100 women from around the world convened at a confer- ONLINE:
ence in the Rocky Mountains with an agenda rarely discussed in
our society. Each woman came to learn, share experiences and www. Know-Narcs.com
ultimately find ways to heal from a uniquely painful past. Every-
one at this conference had a common bond, that of growing up www. Meetup.com/Daughters-of-Narcissistic-Mothers
with a mother whose psychological issues made it difficult for her “DONM” – Southern California
to raise, love or connect with her children - a particularly poignant
situation for daughters. www.willieverbegoodenough.com

Dr. Karyl McBride, a psychologist who lives and works in Denver, BOOKS:
facilitated the conference based on personal, professional and
research experience that led her to write: Will I Ever Be Good Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Nar-
Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, a book cissistic Mothers, by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
that resonated with daughters who previously felt alone in their
struggle. Dr. McBride defines narcissistic mothers as having prob- Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself From the Nar-
lems that vary in severity, but usually having these characteristics cissists in Your Life, by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW
in common:
Children of the Self-Absorbed - A Grownup’s Guide to Getting
• Self-absorbed, the world revolves around her. Over Narcissistic Parents, by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., L.P.C.
• Unable to feel empathy for others.
• Out of touch with her emotions, except anger.
• Manipulative and controlling to get her needs met.
• Overly concerned with looking good to others.
• Difficulty seeing her daughter as a separate person.
Many women are impacted by a mother with these traits, but only
some decide to explore this situation further in order to enhance
44 their lives and ensure this legacy doesn’t continue and negatively
impact their children. Dr. McBride describes these women as
“giraffes,” elegant creatures able to see the fake happy-family
scenario the narcissist tries to create. Unfortunately, many women
with this giraffe perspective are labeled as the ‘black sheep’ of
their families due to seeing the problems as they really are.
Although the popular portrayal of a narcissist is someone with
a huge ego, behind closed doors the reality for women with this
issue is often impaired self-esteem, significant shame, emotional
immaturity and a reliance on others for validation. Several years
ago, noted psychologist Martha Beck wrote in her column in
O Magazine that one of the best ways to end the power struggle
with a narcissist is “to let go of the rope,” that is, to stop engaging JULY 29–30TH
in a frustrating, futile and often emotionally abusive relationship.

In Denver we learned not only how to let go, but also how to get
the nurturing and affirmation we never received from our self-ab-
sorbed and emotionally impaired mothers. We learned how to heal
and view ourselves as “eternally good enough” as we explored Dr.
McBride’s 5-step recovery model which includes grieving for the
mother we never had, accepting her limitations and learning to rid
ourselves of her critical messages. When the 3-day conference
came to an end, we no longer felt like victims of this narcissistic
legacy, we felt like strong, empowered women.
FESTIVAL WILL BE HELD AT:
If this is a scenario that is familiar to you, consider becoming a gi- 700 PROSPECT STREET
raffe - stand tall and decide to get past the legacy of a painful past. THE MUSEUM OF LA JOLLA, CA 92037
Healing from a narcissistic mother is a challenging journey that is CONTEMPORARY
well worth the effort, and there is plenty of support to do so: check
out Dr. McBride’s website for information on the 2012 conference, ART IN LA JOLLA WWW.LJFFF.COM
join a support group with others who ‘get it,’ or work with a thera-
pist who understands these dynamics and can help you through
the recovery process.