Page 23 - Carol LeBeau

When Children Won’t Listen

Dr. Jane Nelsen is the author and co-author of 18 books including the best selling (over two million sold) Positive Discipline series includ-
ing Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Positive Discipline for Teenagers, and Positive Discipline A-Z. Jane claims her formal education is
secondary to the education and experience she achieved from her successes and failures as a mother of seven children (and 20 grand-
children).
Adults train children to not listen. Sorry, but this is another case time getting started, it is okay for you to start the brainstorming.
where adults need to look at their own behavior. Lecturing is a “How about using your words? How about putting the problem
great way to train children to not listen. Too often adults tell, tell, on the family meeting agenda to get some help from others?
tell, (lecture, lecture, lecture). They tell children what happened, 6. How about asking Julie if she would use the Wheel of
what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and choice (available as a free download at www.focusingonsolu-
what they should do about it. This is a very threatening experi- tions.com) with you to find a solution.”
ence for children and they learn to take care of themselves by 7. Instead of telling, ask what and how questions. Re-
shutting down or rebelling (talking back). How do you feel when member that education is derived from the Latin word educaré,
someone lectures to you? My which means to “draw forth.”
guess is that you feel inadequate, 8. Lectures are especially inef-
defensive, or downright rebel- fective with children under the age
lious. Why would children feel of four. They are not developmen-
any different? tally able to absorb and understand
Don’t back talk back. It doesn’t lectures the way adults think they
help if you talk back to your chil- can, yet they can be left with a feel-
dren when they talk back to you. ing of doubt and shame (discour-
“Don’t you talk to me in that tone agement that can lead to misbe-
of voice!” Again, you are model- havior). The following suggestions
ing the opposite of what you are are best for children under four.
trying to teach. 9. When you must give direc-
tions, use fewer words, one word is
Suggestions: best. “Naptime, cleanup time.”
1. Remember that children 10. Use nonverbal signals: point San Diego Woman
will listen to you AFTER they feel at what needs to be done. Smile,
listened to. So the first thing you but don't say a word.
can do to train children to listen is 11. Use action: Take the child by
to MODEL listening. the hand and lead her, kindly and 23
2. Use reflective listening firmly, to the task that needs to be
or active listening. Reflective done.
listening is when you reflect back 12. When you have created
what you heard (without sound- routine charts with children, you
ing like a parrot). “You don’t want can ask them when is next on the
to take a nap.” “You are angry routine instead of telling them.
because she hit you.” Active 13. Children may listen carefully
listening is when you listen be- when you whisper so they have to
tween the lines and make some listen to hear you. Try it.
guesses about what the child is 14. Have regular family meetings
feeling and then check it out to where all members, including par-
see if you are correct. “You hit ents, listen to each other and focus
Julie because it made you mad on solutions instead of blame.
when she took your toy.” 15. Be respectful when you make
3. Validate feelings. Both requests. Don’t expect children to
reflective and listening are ways of validating feelings. You can do something “right now” when you are interrupting something
also simply say, “I understand. I think I would feel that way too.” they are doing. Ask, “Would you like to take a break and do this
4. Once children feel listened to, they are more willing now, or in twenty minutes? You decide.” Adding, “You decide,”
to listen to you. Then you can follow up by getting the child in- is very empowering. If they choose twenty minutes, ask, “Would
volved in problem-solving. “I understand that you are angry, and you like to set the timer or do you want me to?”
what you feel is always okay. However what you DO is another 16. Ask your children if they would be willing to listen to
matter. It is okay to feel angry, and it is not okay to hit others. some important information. This usually arouses curiosity and
How could you express your anger without hitting or talking they feel respected because they have a choice. If they agree
disrespectfully?” to listen, they usually will. Otherwise, you might as well skip the
lecture that will fall on deaf ears.
5. Brainstorm options WITH children. If they have a hard
Sep/Oct2008