Page 29 - Jo Dee C Jacob Girl Scouts CEO

He Said, She Said

Photos by Lisa K. Miller

Are Men really from Mars and Women from Venus, as author Dr.
John Gray states in his bestselling book? Do men and women
really see things that differently? If given the same question could
their answers really be so different? At San Diego Woman we
wanted to explore the differences between "them" and "us". Read
this month's installment and find out how the sexes differ when it
comes to communicating with each other. What topics would you
like to see us duke it out over in upcoming issues?
No topic is off limits, so write me at
editor@sandiegowoman.com. I can't wait to hear from you!
He Said... She Said...

Child rearing (when I was growing up) had a com- Being the mom of three, okay I admit it, grown children, I am always in awe of the various
pletely different meaning. And there were implements methods that parents today use to raise their offspring (where in the world did that word come
involved: Switches (which usually came off of a bush from.) Things have noticeably changed. Not to say that children in our day were raised any
or tree), fly swatters, hands – you remember. The better, but we were raised differently.
worst thing your parents could say was, “I’m gonna Perhaps the change can be accounted for by the fact that when we were children most of us
get the belt!” They had reason to use these things had the luxury of having at least one parent at home. Today both parents are forced to go out
with me as I was a tad impetuous. My dad called into the workforce in order to support a family.
it something else. Several of his words I was told I My parents were quite liberal for the most part. But then we were good kids, so not much
couldn’t use. Mom liked the hair brush. Today I’d be discipline was needed. Stop laughing, we were good. But why? Over the years I have tried
taken by CPS and incarcerated in foster care. You to think back to those growing-up days and figure out what it was that my mom and dad did to
can’t ‘rear’ a child today thanks in part to Dr. Spock keep us on the straight and narrow. Mostly because I figured if I could duplicate it my children
(not Nimoy for you Trekkies). would be well behaved and easier to handle. I cannot honestly tell you what it was that put
Raising boys is different than girls. Fathers are the fear of God in us and caused us to do what was right, instead of allowing our hormones
complete wussies when it comes to daughters. and wild friends to lead us in the wrong direction.
The expectations are different for their sons: Boys I think what it came down to was respect…and fear. Now why should there be fear? In all
require…engineering. Most fathers beat their chests of my years growing up my parents never laid a hand on me…well, except for one time and
and try to get the first word to be – football. AARRG- quite frankly I deserved it. It was my Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary and they were
GHH! Or baseball, but it doesn’t matter as long as dressed to the nines going out for a night of dining and dancing. Except, for the fact that I was
they play a sport. He’s drawing gridirons and plays never left with a babysitter, and neither was that the case on this special evening. My parents San Diego
when he’s three. Men and boys are, as you ladies drove me over to my grandmother and aunt’s house in Jackson Heights, New York, while they Woman
know, predictable. headed to Manhattan for their celebration. Only they never expected that I would put on such
And then Wendy changed the world. Seven years a spectacle of crying, screaming, and almost passing out, that in the end they gave up and put
old with long strawberry blond hair. I fell victim to us back in the car and took us home, clearly disappointed that their evening would not occur.
what I thought could never happen to me: Wrapped My dad looked at me and gave me one strong slap on the rear. Although horrified that my 29
around her finger and smiling – with the occasional daddy would ever hit me, in my mind I knew I totally deserved it. That was it. I was never hit
tear in my eye. And her mother simply laughed. Girls or even punished again.
get away with most everything. Boys have to earn it It is true that Dads and Moms parent differently. Since mom generally spends more time with
all. Girls simply are. Boys, well we’re rough riders the children, they are forced to provide more of the discipline. Aside from the few times a mom
on a mission of destruction and recovery. We break has to say, “Just wait until your father gets home,” moms handle the day to day discipline.
bones because we discover flight – and the roof of After a while, the children are so used to hearing “Stop it, pick that up, clean up your mess,
the garage was too high. Better yet, dumping water be nice to your brother, share your toys, go to bed, don’t jump on the bed, no drawing on
on dad from the same roof and laughing at his blue the walls etc…” that they zone out and don’t hear a word mom is saying. So that is when the
language knowing the ‘cuss jar’ will be ripe for the threat of telling dad comes into play.
picking in the morning. My dad was a cop and didn’t Things were different in my home growing up. Mom had a look. When that look was directed
like surprises. towards me, I immediately stopped doing whatever it was I was doing. It didn’t take yelling or
I don’t think child rearing today is as effective (please screaming or threats of telling my dad. All she had to do was give me that look. I recognized
no cards and letters) but I’m glad to see the end of the look, even across a crowded room. In essence, that look said it all. There were times
spankings. I know if you gave me a time out when I that I didn’t even know what I was doing wrong, but if I saw the look I immediately took a
was a kid I’d spend the time plotting and planning my seat, clasped my hands in my lap, and acted like the perfect little lady. Unfortunately, I never
next insurrection. And ‘use your inside voice’ wouldn’t learned how to give the look, so in my case I had to resort to the litany of warnings and the
have registered in my brain as a command but rather threats that my mother was gonna hear what they did. That always put more fear in them
a challenge. What on the earth is an ‘inside voice’ but than telling them dad would be told, since my children knew my mom’s famous “look,” and
a construct by some doctor that thinks telling a kid to they feared it too.
be quiet is too damaging to his/her psyche. I have The other difference in parenting was the “cut off phrase”. My parents, and most other
(joyously) watched parents in public try the ‘inside parents of the same age, knew that there were only a limited number of questions they would
voice’ thing to exhaustion, until the ‘please shut up’ allow from their children. When my children were growing up and they wanted to know why
erupts. Hee Hee. I believe teachers should be able they couldn’t go out to play, or why their friends couldn’t sleep over, we were very diplomatic
to say, loudly, BE QUIET! And parents too. and took time to explain the exact reason why it was not such a good idea at the time. This
Women manage child rearing differently: Better – was generally followed by a “but why not?” or “please can’t they sleep over.” We would then
probably, but certainly not much. From what I see delve deeper into the exact reason why they couldn’t. We were taught to be diplomatic and
today men are more involved in their child’s life than converse with our children, which often took 15-20 minutes to reason through with our kids.
ever. And they are good at it. Moms will always have We were told this would make them well-rounded independent thinkers and more likely to
a special place in the lives of their children that men succeed in life. In comparison, when we were children and asked our parents why our friends
will never experience; nature at her best. But we couldn’t sleep over or why we couldn’t go out to play, we were met with 4 little words that
guys are pretty darn good too. closed the conversation immediately. The simple response was “Because I said so.”