Page 35 - Tonilee & Bobbye Social Media Special Edition Oct Nov 2011 (1)

Women's Work By Shelli Chosak, Ph.D.

Dear Shelli, worked in the same field that we can make it larger and better
I am recently separated and on the road to divorce. I am happily with both of us working together. I worry because my husband
dating as is my ex. However, we are extremely friendly with each and I have very different work styles. I have read that many busi-
other, almost to the point of flirting with each other. I know that nesses fail when someone buys a business and tries to make it
having two parents who get along well is the very best situation different or better. Can you suggest anything that might help or
for my children, but I am wondering if it is truly healthy for the issues that we should consider. --Thanks, Hilary
two of us. We both know that we can no longer be together, but I
worry that our daily contact and emotional dependence on each Dear Hilary,
other is a bad idea in the long run. Is it keeping us stuck in some Congratulations to you for wanting to work together and for
way? Thanks for any insight you might have... noticing the potential hazards.
One of the important questions is how much of threat could this
--Melanie from Escondido potentially be to your relationship? Are you both willing to take
that chance? Before you make any decisions on proceeding with
this plan, it would be very important for the two of you to take suf-
Dear Melanie, ficient time to think this through together. Before you engage in
You mention you are recently separated. The process of the discussion, I would suggest each of you put down in writing your
end of a marriage is a journey, with many twists and turns in the business plan and how it would look in action. Also write down
road. Each of you is coping with the loss of a dream (assuming what each of you see as the specific obstacles of your different
you both intended this marriage to last), no matter what brought work styles, how they might present problems, and what might be
you to the point of seeing your marriage as no longer workable. some of the solutions. Then share your thoughts and ideas to get San Diego
It is very natural to have myriad feelings, not the least of which a clearer picture as to where the differences and possible haz- Woman
is the longing that the marriage did not have to end. The amount ards might be. Are the issues ones of substance or style, or both?
of contact and the quality of the contact will reflect the different Would you each have distinct areas of responsibility?
feelings you are both having as you move through this process, How good are the two of you at problem solving together, in
including the well documented stages of loss such as anger, de- general? 35
nial, guilt, bargaining and acceptance.. One of the aspects of the This is quite a different situation than having someone buy into
adjustment is experimenting, not only with dating other people, the business who is not your spouse. A business partnership is a
but experimenting with your own feelings and actions, to double marriage, and has the potential for falling prey to the
and triple check whether you are secure that you are doing the same kinds of roadblocks that can break up a relationship. As
right thing. you can readily see, the failure of a partnership, while difficult,
It also sounds like you have a very amicable relationship, does not have the same implications and consequences
which is not only important for your children and the relation- as the failure of a marriage. When you are in a marriage and a
ship you will always have as co-parents, but also indicates the business partnership, the dynamics of each affects the other, and
marriage was not a total disaster. This gives rise to more doubts the hazards are greater because of this.
about whether you are clear in your decision. It is also possible Even with the best thought-out plans and intentions, there are
that at least one of you might be interested in further exploring the many unforeseen situations that could get you into trouble. You
possibility of finding a way back together. both need to seriously weigh the benefits and the risks,
There is no one “right” way to do this, each relationship has its and make your decision based more on the welfare of your
own unique dynamic. marriage than the welfare of your business. Perhaps you can
The real answer lies in evaluating the benefits and costs of how consider other arrangements besides a partnership, e.g.
you are conducting yourselves. a consulting relationship, or a more informal association. You
Again, it is a process, and you need to move through each of the would also need to agree on who has the final say when there is
stages without cutting them short for the sake of expediency. If disagreement.
you listen to your head and your heart (and not to everyone It might also be helpful for you to meet with a third party,
else who is bound to have an opinion), you will find the right someone who has had experience with these types of situations,
answers at the right time. or a professional coach who could be more objective and perhaps
give you the benefit of an impartial observer.
Dear Shelli, Please send your questions to: Shelli@SanDiegoWoman.com
My husband and I have decided to work together in a very suc-
cessful business that I started and have managed myself for
many years. My husband and I think that because we have both