Page 52 - The Dawn of Transformation

Blame and defensiveness are enemies of relationship-building. When we point the finger at someone else, we deny our role in the situation and it stirs up defensive behavior in the other person, making a resolution more difficult.
Start by recognizing that conflict is often centered on behaviors, not people themselves. When we begin a statement with “I,” we assume responsibility for what we are experiencing and the responses we make to these experiences, rather than attributing them to someone else.
When we begin a statement with “you,” we tend to put the responsibility on the other person for how we are reacting. For example, notice the difference between, “You really make me frustrated when you do that,” and “I really feel frustrated when you do that!” In the first statement, we are saying the other person is causing us to feel a certain way, when actually we have a choice as to how we are going to respond to a situation. (Although, sometimes we make that choice unconsciously.) This is evidenced by the fact that people respond differently to the same situation. In the second statement, then, we are assuming responsibility for our own feelings, for the choice we make in responding in a particular way.
“i” sTaTEmEnTs
The Dawn of Transformation: A Matrix Guide to Change by LaVrene Norton and Steve Shields, ©2005 Action Pact, Inc.
The Dawn of Transformation: A Matrix Guide to Change
p_50