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OCTOBER 29, 2020 BREAKING NEWS
At a down-to-the-wire campaign rally in Tampa FL today, president Trump tested a new, more aggressive campaign speech, titled
“The President’s Promise.” Over the next 43 minutes, visibly sweating in 87-degree heat, Trump described how The PP will prescreen all government job applicants, “I’m pulling out all the stops to deliver my promise to drain the swamp and bury the deep state. We’re gonna get those sons of bitches outta there!” Trump waved his arms and a large screen behind the podium lit up.
The president took a telescoping pointer out of his pocket and slapped the screen with it, “If anyone says ‘yes’ to any question, even one,
he’s out, she’s out. In the swamp I inherited, I will not stand for deep-state radical Democrats making money off my supporters and patriotic taxpayers. You will be banned from the federal government employment forever or fired if you have ever:
• criticized Donald Trump at any time in your life
• supported Barack Obama at any time in your life • supported gay rights or same-sex marriage
• used birth control
• voted for a Democrat
• dated a woman with real eyelashes
• read The New York Times or The Washington Post • bought anything on Amazon
• worn a mask
• been a vegetarian
• read a book
• thanked your mail carrier