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MAY 15, 2019 BREAKING NEWS
Yesterday, Alabama Governor Kay Ivey signed the most restrictive abortion law in the country. After a 74-3 landslide vote in the House last month, the bill sailed through the Senate with 25 yea votes from men and no women. The Senate sponsor of the bill, a 50-ish white dude named Clyde Chambliss, claimed that women would still be able to get abortions, as long as it was before their pregnancy was known.
According to Clyde, “I ain’t got no problem with ladies havin’ abortions when they’re not pregnant, but I will fight to the death when a lady has a youngin’ in her,” adding “I‘m not smart enough to be pregnant.”
While women and evolved men around the country expressed outrage over Clyde’s remarks on Twitter (“He’s not smart enough to be alive”), a movement is afoot to help senior citizens who are, incidentally, also affected by the issue.
If “personhood” begins at conception as the Alabama law decrees, people who are not yet eligible for Medicare or Social Security can look forward to nine additional months of health care coverage and income.
For retirees who already receive Social Security, the U.S. Treasury is expected to begin sending conception restitution checks to 62 million people on September 1. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin stumbled when asked how much it will cost to reimburse senior citizens for their financial losses, “We’re still studying the numbers. They’re fantastic and — uh, er, uh — I don’t mean super attractive like my wife.”