Page 36 - TheLeekCovidEdition_1

October 2, 2020 BREAKING NEWS
White House physician Dr. Sean Conley announced at 2pm ET that president Trump is being transferred to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center via Marine One later today. The decision was made as a precautionary measure after Donald had an elevated fever, persistent cough, nasal congestion and loss of taste — usual symptoms of the flu or a cold that he routinely characterizes as “no big deal.”
A short time ago, Donald was given an eight-gram “antibody cocktail” consisting of two monoclonal hamster ovary cells mixed with Diet Coke to wash them down. The president smiled his approval after emptying the glass. Donald is also taking zinc, vitamin A, B and C,
a daily baby aspirin and Tolterodine Tartrate to help control his urination frequency. The shaken, not stirred “cocktail” is a promising experimental treatment developed by Regeneron, a New York-based biotechnology company.
The president appeared quite pleased and proud to be one of the company’s first test subjects. After drinking the cocktail and belching twice, he was overheard saying, “Boy, this is better than Diet Coke straight up. I’ve never tasted hamster ovary cells. They were fantastic! Even better than Melanoma’s.”
When asked what he thought about spending a few days at Walter Reed, the president replied, “I’m looking forward to it. They told me there’s
a 60-inch television in my office-suite and that I can choose my own