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October 5, 2020 BREAKING NEWS
According to an unnamed source in Walter Reed’s billing office, the president’s 48-hour inpatient stay is expected to top $48,000,000 or one million dollars per hour. In addition to having a medical team of
30 doctors and nurses at his beck and call 24/7, the president received two experimental treatments that have not yet been approved by the FDA for human use.
The hamster ovary cell “antibody cocktail” made by the biotech company Regeneron is still in testing and has not been authorized for emergency use by the FDA. However, the company’s chief executive
is a member of Mr. Trump’s golf club in Westchester County and a very close friend, which facilitated a “compassionate donor” exemption. Walter Reed has not yet received the bill for the president’s eight-gram cocktail, but it is estimated at $8,000,000, excluding delivery on a chartered Gulfstream GIV estimated at $20,000 round trip.
When asked about the cocktail’s ginormous price, Regeneron’s chief scientific officer replied, “Extracting ovary cells from hamsters is a
very tedious process. Each cell is so small, it cannot be seen with
the human eye. So we contracted with NASA to develop and build a mini-Hubble telescope that can identify objects that are 10 billion times fainter than the cornea can detect. The process was expensive but we believe it’s a winner.”
When asked how the price was determined, the spokesperson said, “If the patient had not been the President of the United States, the price would have been twice as much. When we were informed of the