Page 8 - TheLeekCovidEdition_1

July 18, 2020 BREAKING NEWS
In January, president Trump developed the urge to criticize toilets. “People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once,” he complained. Dishwashers and showerheads also became the subject of his wrath, in addition to a light bulb that “costs you five times as much, and makes you look orange.”
This week the president shredded government efficiency standards, the same standards passed into law by the Republican administrations of Ronald Reagan and both Bush presidents.
Asked why he upended laws passed by his fellow Republicans, Trump said, “Those guys were real losers. Everyone knows it. Who wants to flush a toilet 15 times or run a dishwasher for two hours?” Never mind that the president admits that he has never run a dishwasher; as for flushing a toilet, perhaps never, too.
Bill Gauley and John Koeller, world-renowned toilet-flushing engineers, have flushed everything imaginable down a toilet: dirt clods, bread dough, mud, pills, clay balls, tampons, cotton swabs, diapers, hair, cigarette butts, paint and cat litter. All of it failed to simulate the real thing. After five years of laboratory experiments, they finally discovered that soybean paste, also known as miso, perfectly replicated the real-world experience.
Last year, they tested 100,000 toilets with up to two pounds of soybean paste deposited prior to every flush. “In every case, flushing