Page 61 - How Changing Your Anger Can Help You Be a Better Parent book

How to Stay Calm when Your Child Says, ‘I hate you.’

One of the most frustrating things you may face as a parent is when your child is mean, rude or
disrespectful. Most times when your child is behaving this way it’s because he or she needs
something.

But that doesn’t make it any easier to hear and may not change your initial feeling to hearing
harsh and disrespectful words from your child.

When your child has negative feelings toward you, it can deflate you and make you feel like you
failed as a parent.

But realizing that your child may know that these harsh words may hurt you and that may be the
only option they have when they feel in the middle of a power struggle.

Your child may know that these words can paralyze you during a fight and will use this tactic to
try to gain power and control.

As hard as it may be, try not to personalize your child’s behavior, even when he or she says they
hate you.

When you change your perspective from personalizing the hurtful comment you might realize that
it may be the only way your immature child knows to express themselves in the intense way he
or she needs to at that moment.

In addition, when you personalize things the emotional reaction to your brain and body makes it
very hard for you to remain objective and know how to respond effectively to your child in that
moment.

When your child says, ‘I hate you,’ the first go-to parenting tool at that moment would be B-M-R.

Breathe. Mantra. Refocus.

As you may instantly feel sad or angry when you hear those painful words, you can take one or
two deep intentional breaths down to your belly to help you remain calm.
Then you form positive mantras (short phrases) you can recall and recite to yourself quickly while
feeling the sting of your child’s disrespectful words. This should stop your plunging negative
thinking.

Then refocus on a healthier anger response.
You may consider responding with an active listening statement that reflects back what your child
may be feeling at that moment.

“Your hurtful words tell me that you’re feeling really strongly right now. I understand your feelings
but we're not talking about that now. You need to get dressed, as we need to leave shortly."

Now you can ask yourself, what does my child need from me right now?

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