Page 6 - Lockdown Diary

MARCH 9, 2020 
Dode the Sodge
for something with the exact change
Dode the Sodge
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket,
Video 16:46 then creeping around like a burglar to avoid
seeing them again
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a
different haircut to the one you requested
• Being unable to pay for something with the
exact change without saying “I think that’s
right”
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to
keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until
safely over the horizon
• Being unable to turn and walk in the
opposite direction without first taking out
MARCH 12, 2020 your phone and frowning at it
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over
zebra crossings, while throwing in an
Dode the Sodge apologetic mini wave
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you
Who can relate? by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as
• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos possible
of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup
through “Nothing to declare” of tea you forgot about
• Being unable to stand and leave without • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and
first saying “right” instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible,
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so terrible mistake
just laughing and hoping for the best • Suddenly remembering your tea and
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
taxi’s directly outside your front door • Realising you’ve got about fi y grand’s
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
minutes before your station, so the person in • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” –
the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the preparation for your visit
train before it’s illuminated, to assure your • Indicating that you want the last roast
fellow commuters you have the situation in potato by trying to force everyone else to
hand take it
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to
meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at stare at my phone in another part of the
home house”
• The huge sense of relief a er your perfectly • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second
valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector time of asking, meaning you must now avoid
• The horror of someone you only half know them forever
saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too” • Leaving it too late to correct someone,
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – meaning you must live with your new name
Translation: Unless this is a person who looks forever
remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it • Running out of ways to say thanks when a
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the succession of doors are held for you, having
cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
asked for money and the wait is out of your • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just
hands ‘regards’ in email to indicate that you’re
• Looking away so violently as someone rapidly reaching the end of your tether
nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally • Staring at your phone in silent horror until
dislocate your neck the unknown number stops ringing
• Waiting for permission to leave a er paying • Hearing a recording of your own voice and
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