Page 172 - 4- Leading_from_Within

establish the information one needs to operate effectively. 185

Inherent in the concept of successful negotiation is agreement that
although it takes two to have a relationship, it takes only one to change the

nature of it. Just as we react to others, they react to us. By changing our
behavior, we will change the way they react. We open the door to change
if we improve the way we deal with others.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
Epictetus.

Changing our own behavior is difficult, however; it requires sensitivity,
motivation, and persistence. Changing the behavioral traits of someone
else is almost impossible, particularly so when directly involved in
handling a dispute with them. Therefore, focus should be on what you say

and do when you're with a "difficult" person. Behavior between two
people can be transformed when either person changes their customary
pattern of relating to the other. To achieve either a good personal or
working relationship, it is important to focus on what you need to do to get
what you want. If you seek cooperation from others, for example, it means

that you must set the example for that behavior.

In negotiation, the ability to see the situation as the other side sees it, as
difficult as that may be, is one of the most important skills a negotiator can
possess. It is not enough to know that the other party sees things
differently. If you want to influence that party, you also need to

understand empathetically the strength of the emotional force with which
they believe in a particular point of view. However, understanding their
point of view does not mean that you have to agree with it.

It is clear that a climate of mutual trust is critical to a successful negotiation

process. No one will ever make an agreement with you that they intend to
keep unless they trust you. Without trust, the relationship itself is likely to
interfere with developing a mutual understanding of the problem or
disagreement. This diverts energy and creativity from finding
comprehensive and realistic solutions.

185 John Kotter. Power and Influence: Beyond Formal Authority. New York: Free Press, 1985, p. 40.

David Kolzow 172