Page 29 - Like No Business I Know

Somnilac
(Fantastic Transactions 2, 1997)

“But it’s perfectly harmless! Nothing in it but extractions of cow’s
milk and a few added enzymes and amino acids.” Eddy Pfizer,
chairman of Schmerck Pharmaceuticals, scowled and pouted.
“Plus the usual excipients, sir,” chimed in Shura Zell, the
chairman’s administrative assistant. “Like microcellulose and
silicates.”
“Bah! Sawdust and sand! You never had a problem with them!”
Doctor Noah Kant, director of the Food and Drug
Administration, saw a bumpy road ahead.
“Please try to understand, Mr. Pfizer. My agency is being asked to
rescind our approval of Somnilac not because of any detectable
toxicity.”
“What then, Dr. Kant? Do you doubt our claims of efficacy?”
“No, no, not at all. Your trials are models of double-blind controls.
Nobody who has taken Somnilac has a bad word to say about it. I’ve
even tried it myself, with good results.”
“Again I say, Dr. Kant: what then?” Pfizer leaned forward, neck
veins bulging against the collar of his fine Egyptian cotton shirt. His
hands left moist palm prints on the polished surface of the
conference room table where they had been resting. “Why are you
doing this to me? Schmerck has millions invested in the research and
development of Somnilac. If you pull it now, I’ll have my lawyers on
you like a swarm of flies on—”
His aide smoothly interrupted. “Now, sir, let’s try to give these
gentlemen an opportunity to present their case. Remember your
blood pressure, and the laws of libel.”
Pfizer receded, a human wave denied its chance to dash against the
rocks. “All right. Make it good and make it fast. I have a luncheon
date with a couple of senators.”
The FDA chief turned to two men in suits seated next to him
opposite the Schmerck contingent. “It’s up to you.”

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