Page 30 - Like No Business I Know

Somnilac

“Mr. Pfizer, I am Winslow Ball, of the National Institute of Mental
Health,” said one, “and this is Elmer Cado, who will brief the
president on our meeting today.”
Perfunctory nods of introduction passed across the table. Pfizer
squinted at Cado, and then cocked an eyebrow at Zell. She scribbled
the acronym for a rarely-acknowledged government agency on her
pad and rotated it into her boss’s line of sight. His jaw tightened.
“First, to make sure we are all talking about the same thing,” said
Ball, “let me review the situation. Schmerck, in all good faith,
developed a new sleeping pill, now patented as Somnilac. Although it
contains natural ingredients—primarily dairy-derived melatonin,
dopamine and tryptophan, in a six-hour time-release capsule—the
formulation methodology is proprietary. The necessary testing was
carried out on a random population of three hundred adults living in
various metropolitan areas. The results showed that even those who
had not reported any previous sleep disorders were more rested and
energetic in the morning after taking Somnilac. No harmful side
effects were detected, either in the human subjects or at high dosage
in laboratory animals. The FDA, accordingly, began its process of
approving the compound for over-the-counter sale. That approval
was scheduled to be granted next week.”
“And not a moment too soon,” growled Pfizer. “I have donated
plenty to the campaigns of the people who appointed you—all of
you.”
“Yes, yes, we are all aware of the importance of Schmerck
Pharmaceuticals to the nation’s economy. But unknown to you, Mr.
Pfizer, a follow-up study was done of that population taking
Somnilac over a period of several weeks in your trials. One of our
researchers at NIMH is studying theories of dreaming, and wanted to
gather some data from your subjects.”
“Dreaming? Our subjects? We paid for those people to participate,
not the government! Damned impertinence, meddling in the affairs
of private enterprise.”
“Perhaps. But we do have the right and the responsibility to audit
your testing. True, it is seldom exercised, and we are only too glad to
avail ourselves of the—ah, thorough and unbiased scientific analysis
the American drug industry performs on its own products. Budgets
being what they are, however, lower-echelon staff occasionally take

29