Page 25 - The Gluckman Occasional Number Eight

The Actor and the Devil
A radio drama

(from Playthings, 1985)

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight,
Vulcan Theatre of the Air takes pleasure in presenting a new
comedy for your enjoyment, starring Horton Higgins and Alvin
O’Meghan. In a moment, The Actor and the Devil. But first, a
word from our sponsor, the Vulcan Match Company. Parents, are
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Match Company introduces the new Adult Safety Match, the only
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Adult Safety Matches, available everywhere for fifteen cents a
box. And now, our story.

(telephone rings)

ACTOR: Hello. Yes…Oh, well what about his next picture, the
one with the dog and the little boy? Oh. Listen, Marty: what kind
of agent are you? I haven’t had a decent part since 1953…Yes, I
know, there’s always television commercials, but what about my
public image? No, it’s not just the money: I want a starring role,
one that shows off my true character, the All-American
Boy…What do you mean, I’m over forty? So what? I won’t do
my own stunts, you know that. Isn’t there a casting call at
Supremo Studios? Well, who’s the director? Ugh, I wouldn’t work
for that commie. Of course he’s a commie! You know he
wouldn’t testify when the Committee was in Hollywood. That’s
what’s wrong with the industry, you know: too many bleeding-
heart liberals and pinkos controlling the purse-strings…Bah!
Don’t give me that old Bill of Rights razzmatazz! I think you’re
just as witless as the rest of those Reds. Why do I bother with
you? Well! The same to you, fella! Oh, I’d sell my soul to the
Devil for a decent role, one that I could really shine in! Goodbye!
I’ll find a new agent!