Page 105 - The Perpetrations of Captain Kaga

Fasting the Plastiphage

Captain Kaga had volunteered for a tour of duty nobody else
wanted: naming stars on the edge of the Known Universe. It was
boring work, verifying co-ordinates and bestowing nomenclature upon
astronomical bodies already rejected by exploratory expeditions; any
planets they had in orbit were known to be uninhabited or
economically worthless. But it was a deepspace assignment, so he had
taken it gladly. The alternative was to remain at a desk job for the
duration of his suspension from field work. His part in the Binary
Neek upheaval had been discovered; although his suggestions had
saved the situation, the fact that he had acted unofficially had earned
him a reprimand. Lieutenant Lugo, who had carried out Kaga’s ideas,
had simply been transferred to another post.
“…in the name of order, I order you named Grillameek. In the
name of order, I order you named Foswallakabumi. In the name of
order, I order you named Masanorko.” He was reading from a list of
names of distinguished diplomats, martyrs, scientists, and chain-store
owners, assigning them in the prescribed manner to the glowing
points of light he beheld in the ship’s portlens. After finishing this
sector, he would travel on to the next; the backlog of names was
sufficiently great to keep him occupied for several more months.
By this time, however, he was thoroughly sick of it. The food
onboard was particularly repuls ive, all rehydrated protein strips
supplemented by skimmings from the ship’s fermentation tanks. As he
lay back in his acceleration couch, he daydreamed of elaborate meals,
none of which included carbosquash or synthestew. He would have to
eat soon, and then make ready depart for a new stack of stars without
names.
Suddenly the ComSet came to life. It flashed and beeped
continuously until Kaga, roused from his fantasies, acknowledged the
call and identified himself: “This is Captain Kaga on PKU vessel Tycho
Brahe. Go ahead, please.”
He waited for the response, wondering what could necessitate
sending a costly deepspace message out this far. Then the screen lit up
with the livid features of Commander Bardiver, head of PKU Security.
“Kaga!” the face yelled in its normal tone of voice. “Get off your tail!
We just got an emergency signal from Burdleim, in sub-galaxy P4922,
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