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• words of apology (“I am wrong and I am going to do better.”)
• words of forgiveness (“I appreciate the apology and I forgive you. I
am going to work to make it better from here, too.”)
The point of this discussion has been that as partners settle into a relationship, they inevitably disappoint one another. The disappointment is twofold. First, they are disappointed that they are not unappreciated and undervalued. This is a rehlection of “equity imbalance,” — the perception that they are not getting back what they are putting into a relationship. Second, they use the (better) early part of the relationship as a benchmark for what “used to be” and worry that what was once there might never return.
This worry activates a fear of abandonment, which if you remember is a very primal human fear. When couples experience “new love” the fear of abandonment is what makes people focus intently on their new partner and seek to give more of what they hope pleases them. When partners become complacent and “comfortable” that fear generates anger, doubt, self protection and often the need to hind security elsewhere.
Repairing imbalances requires the “work of partnership,” and this work is partially achieved by the language that partners use to communicate with one another.
We fail to address our partner’s needs when they are going through a tough time
Staying in Love: Secret Recipes For Making Love Last 56