Page 161 - The Intentional Parent

or your spouse should have a talk with the bully yourself. Kids will almost always protest this, especially when the bully is part of a larger circle of friends. When he's not, I think parents should intervene. A vague but very low-level threat will usually do the trick. For example, you could say, "Hi, Butch. [If you want your kid to grow up to be a bully, just name him Butch, or name him something else, then start calling him Butch.] I'm Tommy's mother. Tommy asked me not to talk to you about this, but I'm going to anyway. Tommy has been coming home upset and in a bad mood. He says you are pushing him around and taking things from him. I'd like to ask you nicely to stop this time, but next time there's going to be trouble. Do you understand me?" Carefully observe his behavior. The real hard-core bullies will act like they could care less. They'll break eye contact, look disinterested, or clean their automatic weapon right while you're standing there trying to have a conversation with them. The amateur bullies, those misguided kids from bad family situations, will show some remorse, and then it might not be a bad idea to reach out to them. Offer to invite the bully over for a play date so that he and your child can work things out. You never know—some good might come out of the situation. (On the other hand, he might just take the opportunity to come over to your house and beat up on your son right in your own backyard. Use good judgment, or your son might arrange for the bully to spend a little time with you, too.) The second scenario is much tougher. Schoolyard social etiquette is a complicated thing. Your son's friends might have some pity for him if he's being tortured by a bully. Even though they won't step up to the bully and save your son from a beating, they will feel sorry for him. If you make a big production out of going up to deal with the bully, your son's friends might think he is a baby, and that will make things worse for him. The best thing to do in this situation is sit down and discuss all the options. Many dads,
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 161