Page 171 - The Intentional Parent

I have a five-year-old daughter who is perfectly behaved and a nine-year-old son who is very poorly behaved. I almost never have to reprimand my little one, but I am almost constantly on my older son's back. When I get on his case, he immediately accuses me of loving my daughter more and playing favorites. What worries me is that sometimes I feel that I do favor the little one because she is so much better behaved. Is this wrong?
These are hard feelings to face up to. We are all taught that it is essential to love our children exactly the same, but this, of course, is impossible. Your daughter gives you less grief and more pleasure while your son is a handful. On some levels, I'm sure you appreciate your daughter more. We human beings have such a hard time with the concept of love because it is so difficult to quantify. Each of your children influences you in a special way. One day, you might find yourself watching your children and wishing that your daughter could be a little bit more spirited, like your son. You might worry one day that your daughter may be too passive, too trusting, or too naive. You probably already appreciate your son's perseverance and independence. So, you see, it's hard to make a judgment like that.
But that still doesn't help answer the question of what to do when your son accuses you of loving your daughter more. Of course, you realize that what your son is really saying to you is, "Mom, I can't be as well behaved as my sister because I don't have that kind of control over myself. Do you love me even though I misbehave?" There is no need to respond to your son by denying that you love your daughter more. Instead, just take him aside and say, "You know, when you say I love your sister more it really sounds very funny to me. I couldn't possibly love you or her more because I love you so differently. I will tell you that I enjoy
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 171