Page 70 - The Intentional Parent

obviously, the worst parent-child combination of traits is the parent with limited patience and the child with endless stubbornness. This results in the kind of head-butting that makes every day difficult for both the parent and the child. Leadership is challenged many times a day, every day. That is why a common point in every parenting strategy is to choose your arguments carefully.
Long term problems occur when leadership is challenged and the leader fails to restore what should be the balance of power in the family structure. Consider this anecdote from my practice:
Mark had always been a difficult child. As an infant he was hard to soothe. As he grew older he was impatient, demanding, and very aggressive to his parents -- but he also had a very warm side. He could be cuddly, polite (to the point that almost all of the parents of the children he played with mentioned that to his parents) and very helpful around the house. Mark was the classic case of the boy who, “when he was good he was very, very good, but when he was bad, he was horrid.” I decided that I would do an eight hour observation of Mark (he was nine at the time) at home with his parents and discovered that Mark’s moods and behavior determined the level of stress in the household. When Mark was demanding, his parents first response was to try to figure out a way to yield to his demands. When his demand was impossible, (he asked to be taken out to buy a video game thirty minutes before dinner), they would try a “compromise.” Saying “no,” was not an option because they feared his wrath which included cursing at them, throwing objects, breaking furniture, etc. My main piece of advice to the parents was to “lay down the law,” and then let him throw whatever fit he chose. Then wait until Mark wanted something else. Then inform him that because of the fit he threw it would not be possible for them to do what he asked. If he threw another fit, the natural consequence would be to point out that
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 70